Picture masculinity. Visualize the word in your head, what image appears? For me I see a muscular, gigantic beast of a man, holding some sort of weapon and yelling at someone. Yikes. I know, not the best representation. Often times when we discuss sexism, it’s about the negative effects for women, and obviously, those are extremely important, but right now I’d like to focus on some of the negative effects for men. The expectations of masculinity are absurd and somewhat unachievable.

In Emma Watson’s He for She speech, she spoke about the tragedy of rigid masculine expectations. She said, “Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive, both men and women should feel free to be strong. It is time we all perceive gender on a spectrum, not as two opposing ideals." Growing up, you hear things like “you _____ like a girl” or “be a man”.

These gendered phrases do more harm then we could ever imagine. What’s worse is that they are normalized, and therefore internalized; it is only when and if we call them into question that we understand their implications. “Like a girl” is used as an insult typically to other boys, “you kick like a girl” or “you run like a girl."

These are common phrases to hear on the playground. It implies that doing anything the way a girl would do it is implicitly worse or less skilled; which obviously is not true. “Be a man” is said by boys to other boys but also by girls to boys. With this phrase, we place a gendered importance on the way to approach a task.

A man would do this, and therefore that’s how you should do this as well. Typically, the phrase “be a man” is tossed out when a man is doing something that is stereotypically considered “unmanly”; like being afraid, sad, or timid. We need to be aware of the things we are saying, and the true impact that they have on children. We don’t need more men growing up stoic and unable to access their emotions, and we don’t need more girls growing up who internalize the thought that they are inherently less than.

The way we talk about femininity and masculinity needs to change, not just when speaking with children but with mature topics as well. I’ve heard close friends talk about a mans Instagram with his girlfriend and say things such as “that caption is so sappy its feminine." Why? Because he’s not saying something sexual or typically “manly."

Why is it sappy for a man to express his love for his partner on social media? People say “he’s so into his girlfriend its gay”. How can being in love with a woman seem homosexual in any way? That makes zero sense. And furthermore, why comment on his sexuality at all?

Truthfully, it’s not only men that hold other men to these ridiculous standards. It’s women too. Let’s get real, there are emotional expectations for men AND body expectations for men. The men in the media; the bodies that are idealized are those with washboard abs, chiseled arms and perfect hair. Who the hell looks that chiseled?! If that’s the body you want to strive for your own purpose, more power to you. But it shouldn’t be an expectation. Men shouldn’t feel less manly because they don’t have an ice sculpture stomach.

Even John Legend has spoken up about the dangers of rigid gender roles for men. He discussed the toxicity of masculinity and said “men are afraid of talking about their fears and insecurities. They’re afraid of expressing emotion beyond anger, dominance, or power, and they’re afraid of getting in touch with their feminine side."

Women can confide in their friends, their sisters, their mothers and some of their close guy friends; they are encouraged to dig deep and share. Men are ostracized and criticized when they get emotional and are shamed for having feelings. If we open up the dialogue and realize that men are capable of feelings too we can erase the stigma and create a more open environment for everyone to feel safe.

We need to start encouraging men to embrace all the different sides of themselves. In this world of Nike ads, fraternities, and Zac Efron, there are so many unrealistic expectations being forced on them at all times. We need to remind them that being a man means being understanding, accepting, confident, brave, weak, emotional, and so many other things. Being a man means being a person; a human being just like everyone else and also vastly individual and unique. There are no set characteristics that he is required to be. “To thine own self be true”, right?