Depression is one of the hardest diseases to encounter because it is often glamorized to be something it's not. American society uses depression as a dramatic piece of a T.V. show or movie which causes young and impressionable boys and girls to desire that attention and care they see celebrities or characters receive. With a society thats growing in tolerance to understanding mental health, it seems almost unreasonable to not struggle with a mental disorder. It's become more common to have one than to not. However, I have been struggling with depression ever since i was a child. I know this because I vividly remember turning to my mother while we were waiting for my brother's guitar lesson to finish and telling her that I knew something was off in the way that I felt. I must've been four which is why she didn't really know how to respond and I didn't get help until middle school hit.
Just when you think you are capable of controlling your depression because you've gained an understanding of it, there's a whole new playing field: explaining it to your loved one. Not only is this mentally exhausting, but it's terrifying and requires a tremendous amount of vulnerability and trust. Here is a list of what it means to be in love while you struggle with Depression.
You will feel unloveable at times.
When it’s so hard to love yourself, it is unimaginable to believe someone else could love you. In fact, at times, they will love you more than you believe you love yourself. However, to forget that every part of you is lovable is torturous. Telling yourself you’re not worthy of their love is telling yourself that there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you and you deserve every good feeling that comes your way. It can be hard to not second guess why you feel good; however, you feel good because you attract good! It doesn’t come by chance. Positive people attract positive vibes.
You will need them to reassure they’re there for you.
This might become repetitive, but the fear of someone walking out on you is 100% real AND valid. Having someone be there for you is often hard to believe because you’re prone to second guess their motives. When you don’t feel worthy of the support they are attempting to give you, it doesn’t seem logical for them to have altruistic motives. Why would you let someone in who wants to be there for you when you’re struggling to even get to a point where you are willing to get help? The perspective of an outsider means they are able to view you more objectively than you view yourself. You have to trust that they are solely wanting to be a light, since you are a light to them in return.
Vulnerability will be the biggest challenge.
This is the real kicker. When you’re vulnerable, you’re exposed to the opportunity for them to abuse that. They can use whatever you tell them against you during fights or, even worse, minimize something you say. Minimizing is one of the worst things you can do to someone who is attempting to be vulnerable because they have already minimized whatever it is they are saying and they are hoping you could make it sound reasonable and valid. Looking for validation from others isn’t the best thing to do, but it is reasonable to expect validation to something you’re opening up about. There is strength in having someone tell you that your thoughts aren’t invalid or crazy.
You will have to treat them nicer than the thoughts inside your own head.
While you may not have the most positive thoughts in your head at times, it is extremely unfair to take it out on someone else. When they are wanting to be in your life, there is no reason to kick them out just because you feel like isolating yourself. When your thoughts are so negative, allow your loved one to share their positive thoughts. Or if they’re having negative thoughts, pushing them out would only make them feel worse. In fact, if they struggle with depression as well, they might feel the same way. They too have to work on having positive thoughts towards you as well. It can be helpful to share both of your thoughts, negative and positive, in order to understand each other more.
It is selfish to push them out.
It doesn’t feel good when someone pushes you out. It’s oftentimes confusing and irrational which can cause you to question what you did wrong or why they don’t love you. However, in a depressed mind, pushing someone out is an act of love. It means that you love them enough to set them free from whatever you’re struggling with so that they don’t have to see that side of you. The classic “if you love something set it free” isn’t always the best motto to live by. When someone loves you, they love every part of you. It’s impossible to pick and choose what parts they like and what parts they don’t because they are so enveloped in who YOU are. If you are willing to be there for them through hard times, allow them to be there for you as well. In the end, you end up hurting them more than the favor you think you are doing them.
What to do if someone is feeling depressed:
1. Talk about what makes them happy
2. Listen to what’s on their mind
3. Validate what they are feeling
4. Give them time to recollect themselves without pressuring them to engage with you
5. Don’t judge them or laugh at them if their thoughts sound irrational
6. Remind them it’s ok to not be ok
7. Be there for them in proximity
8. Sometimes it’s worse to tell them all of the great things in their life
9. Remind them of who you know them to be… not the depressed side
10. Remind them of everyone that loves them (including yourself)
While it's great to have people in your life who are willing to support you and stand by your side, it might not be as easy as they think it is. It requires a large amount of work even to just get to a place where you can admit to your own self that you struggle with depression. Depression is a disease that takes up a large amount of space in your mind and heart and doesn't have to be fought alone. It's okay to let people into your life, as long as it's the right people. Don't give up on those that won't give up on you. In the end, you will find that it is worth every breath and struggle.
"There is only so much digging through yourself before you become insular"
- Justin Vernon
