i wanna start this by saying no, i do not want " oh you look fine " or " but you look good!! " comments under this post. i am a confident woman ,who knows her body ,and well, i do own a mirror so it is okay.

growing up , my birth mother was always on the heavier side. she was someone who said " i'm big and if you don't like it f**k off!! " so when i was younger weighing too much was nothing she looked at. as puberty began i put on around 30 pounds , which at age 12 put me around 140 pounds . that doesn't seem like an insane thing but at that point my family had begun calling me pudgy and saying i was starting to " pack on a few " . now as an impressionable young teen i'm sure you all know how i took such comments.

i went through 2 years of many attempts to get " skinny and healthy " , eventually taking it to the point of starving myself and throwing up after a decently sized meal . laxatives were like skittles to me for a few months and at one point i ran so much that " if i died at least i'd be skinny " was my mindset .

my family made fun of me and always told me i was gonna be fine , " look how confident your mom is !! " but they didn't know how much she complained behind closed doors.

as i began jr high , the groups began forming. being very worried there wouldn't be room for me , it felt like war to find a group of girls that would allow someone of my size in. at this age we all wanna go to the mall and shop and share clothes , but when you're the size 13 and your friends are a 0-6 it really isn't that easy.

fast forward to now . i am 20 years old. and over the past few years i have still had this be a thing with my friends. do not get me wrong i love my friends with all my heart , but being the XL in a handful of smalls is not something that your brain ignores. while i know that my body is strong and i am beautiful , it does not solve the problem that you notice others in a way you wish you could see yourself. shopping with friends is not easy , different body types are not so easily clashed , and eating is even harder because you wonder if you eat too much. taking pictures is the hardest. because you do not look like them. and you know you look good , and they tell you that you look good , but you will always think they look better than you.

i am not here to bash my body or any of my friends , and i am not here for pity.

i am here because i do not think people realize you can feel like the " plus size " friend when you are simply a few sizes up from others.

and if you are someone who is smaller and has a friend that is not , do not suggest we try and exercise, or a diet , or anything else. some of us do not wish to change, some of us cannot because our bodies are built this way and that's okay.

loving us and not making it a big deal is more important than making us feel out of the bunch because of a number and sizing system.