Imagine having something you really, really love.

Now imagine knowing you have that one thing you love, but you can't share it with the world because you fear it might offend someone. You fear it might become your identity and you, for a very long time, choose friendships and lifestyles over the thing you love because it was easier to lose that then someone/something tangible that might intimidate you in the future.

This was me about seven to eight months ago, too afraid to tell the world just how much I loved Jesus. Jesus isn't just something I love, it's the very reason why I'm able to love in the first place.

As much as I hate to admit it, one day I left my normal volunteer time at the children's hospital, walking back to my car borderline suffocating because my life felt like it was on a never ending roller-coaster, somewhat entertaining but with no real purpose. I sat in my car breathing so heavily because I realized I didn't know how it was possible I had the blessing of being able to lovesick children as much as I did. I cried. My lungs filled with stale air and the sorrow of knowing I had potential with a roadblock sitting right in front of it. Something was missing, and it was God. He graced me with the passion of loving the people who need it most, and I had never thanked him enough for it. It wasn't my own doing, it was his. He had planned this all along for me and I had finally stopped to listen.

As I sat in my car, I wrote out a list of the pros and cons of publicly proclaiming my faith, and confidently showing that I wanted my love to be the proof that Jesus first loved me. Pros: I could listen to Hillsong anytime I wanted to, and quote Chris Tomlin on the regular. Cons: what if my friends don't like Hillsong? Pros: I could re-learn what it meant to be Christian, and fulfill some morals I had placed on myself when I was a young girl. Cons: would this mean I would need to forgive those I had deemed unforgivable? Pros: I could find people with similar interests and work with my fellow peers to strengthen my faith. Cons: There would be peers that would deny not only me but also the kingdom of God. Pros: I could love people the way Jesus did. I could be a living example of him, and be his hands and feet with a pure, servants heart. Cons:

There were none. I couldn't find one con to loving people the way Jesus did. You see, when people ask me what my calling is in life, I usually answer with "to love people," just as I felt it has always been. If one were to ask me what do I want to be in life, I'd simply say, "love." Yes, I want to be love. I want to be forgiving, and always kind. I want to love people that most people don't feel they have the time or the patience to. I want to love those who love me, and those who don't with the knowledge that it may never be returned. I want to heal sick children with all of the love in my heart they'll allow me to give, knowing it could be broken at any moment. It just wants to love people. And I think the most beautiful way to do that is to become it.

I John 4:9: "In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him."

For so long, I "loved" without acknowledging God. One day I realized that is such an unfulfilling love, one I don't think is truly the love I aspired to be. I only love because I was first loved by someone much greater than me. And living a life where I didn't accept that was like constantly running into a door, walking away from it and never opening it to see why I kept running into it.

There will be some people who won't agree with my decision to proclaim my faith, but I'll love them anyway. I'll quote Tolkien, "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance." If I live the rest of my life a believer and my motives for loving people weren't real, then I'll still have spent a lifetime loving people. And if when I die I realize the very motive for loving people was real, I'll spend an eternity with the reason I ever loved in the first place.

John 15:12: "This is my commandment: that you love others as I have loved you."

And that's exactly what I'll do.