Today, the day is write this, is Valentines Day. I have often felt frustrated by this day, as our view of love in this culture is so very limited. As I went throughout my day, I started thinking about love. What is it? Why is there a day for it and why do we always focus on “romantic” love? The English language lacks something great. Love. We have ONE word for it; love. The Greeks have (at least) six words for different meanings of love. I think that’s amazing, because there are at least six different kinds of love that I would argue most people feel on a daily basis.
First there is eros, or erotic love, one of my favorites. This word represents sexual, romantic, passionate love. Named after the Greek character Eros, Latin Cupid’s Greek counterpart. This kind of love isn’t always seen as a positive kind, considering its usually the kind that makes us go “crazy” over love or feel so madly in love with someone that we do something stupid. (Think Romeo and Juliet…) This kind of love is definitely an important one, as they all are, but why is it the (only) one we tend to appreciate on this day?
The next is philia, which is brotherly love, a love of deep friendship. (Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love--get it?) This is a great one, deep, deep brother/sisterhood and friendship is one of God’s greatest gifts to us. I’m not talking shallow surface level friendships, but ones that take time and work, with people you truly live out your philia about, including your family (hopefully, but not always).
Then there’s ludus, “playful love,” what I associate most with flirting. It’s less yearning and lustful as eros, but still can have a sexual, romantic undertone. That feeling you get when you roll around in the field laughing with a potential lover. Or even sitting around talking, laughing, or playing a game with our friends…
Next up is pragma, long lasting love. Commonly referred to when discussing married couples who’s eros and ludus has perhaps worn out, but there is still a deep, real commitment and partnership-taking place here. A lack of this often leads to the collapse of marriages or even friendships, because I can imagine it’s difficult to sustain love when life gets in the way and the desire is fleeting.
Philautia, the love of oneself, is often overlooked in our culture. Of course there is a difference between loving yourself and plain old narcissism, which is bad (think, Donald Trump). However, healthy, real self-love is so important. It is impossible to love others and really care for people when you do not love yourself, as Aristotle said, "All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man's feelings for himself (yesmagazine)." When we are centered and loved by ourselves, we know that we can open our hearts to others and in return show them that same love.
The last and perhaps greatest of all love is agape. You may have heard of this one. This is an all in, self-sacrificing, unconditional love. This kind of love is what we strive to show our family and people we care most about. We fall short of this. I certainly do. The only true agape I know is that of Jesus’ love. He loves everyone in an unconditional way, something I cannot even fathom. I am the prodigal's son, and every time I run back to Him, He embraces me with open arms. It is my prayer to have agape towards not just my family but also, rather everyone, a goal I can only pray to reach.
Love is so incredibly complex. How on earth could we possibly try to fit it into one simple word? It’s too great for that. On this Valentines Day, I reflect on my life and relationships, and my expression of eros, philia, ludus, philautia, pragma, and hopefully, agape. I want to live fully into my emotional being and utilize all of these feelings as well as I can. Although we cannot simply control our emotions, we can recognize how we are treating others and expressing our “love”. Maybe I need to focus more on agape and less on eros…That’s what so great about people, we have vast capacities to love and be loved. So, even if you don’t have a ludus or eros love today, live out your philia, philautia, and pragma. And most importantly take pleasure and delight in know someone feels agape towards you.
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