My biggest fear isn’t dying alone or never finding love. It’s not tangible, juvenile or simple by any stretch, and it’s taken me months to figure out why I’m so terrified. For the longest time, my goals have been so centered around graduating from high school, choosing a college and leaving home that I’ve lost sight of what’s really ahead of me. I’m sure what you’re thinking right now has something to do with college being the time where I’ll truly find myself and that I’m not supposed to know where I’m headed after the next four years. You probably think I’m crazy for thinking that far ahead anyways.
After college, I’m not afraid of finding a job or living on my own in a foreign place. Actually, that’s what excites me. The freedom to follow your own path is the most liberating thing. What scares me is not finding something I’m truly passionate about. Something I love so much that no other option even comes close. I want to make a difference and that’s not something just anyone is capable of doing.
Over the past few years, I’ve been labeled several different things; one being ambitious, another being confident. While I’m flattered by these labels, they come with their fair share of pressures and expectations. Perhaps I make the pressure 10 times heavier and the expectations are only in my head, but they eat away at me nonetheless. I can’t help the thoughts that tell me to look confident, when in reality I can be the most self conscious person in the room. The burden of hypothetical situations and, “What if?” moments make my head spin and my brain hurt. As I’ve thought more and more about what these labels say about me, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m afraid of not reaching my potential. Twenty years from now I hope I’m a mom, a colleague and a role model. But what happens if I’m not?
The chance of everything in life turning out the way I want is practically zero and to some degree, I’m OK with that. On the other hand, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the career, the family, the social life -- but is it all feasible? When I imagine my adult life, 50 percent of the time I picture myself with a career I worked tirelessly to achieve. I see myself breaking boundaries and creating my own rules for the game because my ambitious self expects nothing less. For the other 50 percent of the time, I imagine myself cooking dinner for my husband and three kids and carting them to sports practices and friends’ houses, being the mom that’s always there. But how can I have it all? At some point, choices have to be made and things have to be sacrificed. Forfeit one for the other, or I give up a chunk of both. How do I make the “right” decision, and why do I have to choose at all?
My biggest fear is regretting that choice, whatever it may be, because giving up something you’re head-over-heels in love with is terrifyingly disappointing. I could easily say that it’s just a matter of priorities, but it’s not. It’s the type of decision that’s always on your mind and never has a concrete answer. I’m scared I’ll never have an answer good enough to make myself happy.
