Sometimes, well, a lot of times, I find myself wondering what life would be like if my father had not left. What would be different, or what would be the same? I wonder if I would have the same insecurities or trust issues, if things were different.

My mom is amazing, and I want to be very clear about that. My mom has sacrificed so much for her family without hesitation, and she has made me a strong person. My father left, and I wonder if my mom would have had to sacrifice just as much for us?

When I was younger, I used to think about him all the time. Father-daughter dances would happen at school, and I didn't even think about asking my grandfather or brother-in-law or uncle to take me. I just didn't go. I wondered why. Why weren't we good enough for you to even keep in contact with? Why weren't we good enough for you to take me to a dance?

Father's Day became another Mother's Day for us. We got to celebrate my mom more, which is amazing, because she's amazing. Picking out the card was always tough, because it always said father on it. My sisters and I always improvised and wrote "and mother" on it because my mom was always both for us. She scared boyfriends away and braided our hair at the same time. She helped with corsages and made our dates hilariously nervous with a simple look. She's been both, and it's been tough sometimes. I wish she didn't have to be both, and I wonder what it would be like if you stayed.

Now, I wonder about different things. Who is going to walk me down the aisle? I wonder about things that other people don't have think about. It makes me insecure about things, like having my own family, and the father-daughter dances at my wedding, and for my children. I wonder now, about you not staying, but at least keeping in touch with me and your other children.

You didn't have to stay; you could have stayed in contact, so you could be there when I get married, or meet your grandchildren. Was I not good enough? I sit here, wondering who to ask to walk me down the aisle.

When my mom and I talk about my future family, one thing scares her: She's scared that a man would make my children and I feel like we weren't good enough. She's scared of the possibility I would be a single mom. I could do it, easily, she said, but it's just really freaking hard.

She told me that she didn't want my children wondering about dances and aisles. She didn't want me braiding hair and scaring boyfriends, because she knew how much it hurt her and us. When my mom and I talk about my future family, we don't talk about a house; we talk about what it would be like if he left.

You left us insecure about our love, our future families, and our worth. You just left and never looked back. As I wonder what it would be like if you stayed, or kept in contact, I remember how blessed I am to have the mom that I do.

I remember that it doesn't have to be a father-daughter dance at my wedding, but I could dance with my mom, who did both jobs beautifully. I remember that my mom worked hard to make me feel worthy of anyone's love. I remember that my life has been amazing, without your contact. I wish you well, and I know life would be so different if you had stayed, but mom has done a great job with me.