Having High Functioning Depression is a lot like having Major Depression. It manifests itself in similar ways (Affecting appetite, sleep schedules, etc,) but it is a whole different animal. High Functioning Depression feels a lot like having a parent or teacher that's never proud of you or never thinks you've done enough taking up residence in your brain.
Having High Functioning Depression means that instead of just feeling invisible, your struggle is invisible, which makes you feel even more hopeless. On the outside, you look like a picture perfect example of how to have control of your life, so no one ever suspects that you might be struggling to keep your head above water. Unfortunately, this "picture perfection" stems from the depression itself.
When I do something, it has to be perfect. When I start a project, it either has to turn out exactly how I planned, or it doesn't get finished. When I get anything below a high enough "B" to still have a chance at an "A" in a class, I shut down. I panic. I consider dropping the class and trying again next semester.
High Functioning Depression looks like nothing, because it's good at hiding, but it's really bad at covering it's tracks, because clues are everywhere. It looks like countless unfinished notebooks. It looks like those little paper pieces that hang off the ends of pages torn from those notebooks because I didn't like the word I chose to put in that line there. It looks like anger bordering on hatred when I forget to do an assignment. It looks like procrastination because I know that whatever I need to do won't turn out the way I want it too. It looks like search histories that say things like:
"What is wrong with me?" "Am I depressed?" "What is depression?" "What do I do if I'm depressed?"
It looks like a messy room because that's the only thing you can have messy without anyone else seeing it. It looks like walls you put up around yourself to hide your imperfections. It looks like terror when you open up enough to let someone see your struggle. It looks like the sadness and hopelessness that occurs when someone says that they don't believe you because "you don't seem depressed." It looks like feeling guilty because "you have no reason to be depressed." It looks like long nights spent typing. It looks like getting frustrated at everything, including the things you used to enjoy. It looks like refusing to give up, even if you know you need to.
It looks like tears when something (a book, a poem, a song, a post on social media, a video your friend shared with you) breaks through your veil of indifference and makes you feel something again. It looks like constant pining for something else to do the same.
High Functioning Depression looks like your best friend. It looks like your big brother's dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. It looks like your valedictorian. It looks like your mother who is constantly in fear she isn't being a good enough mother. It looks like Dean's List, but still being unsatisfied with yourself.
High Functioning Depression can look like anything, and it just may look like someone you care about. Don't let them think their dtruggle is invalid just because they don't "look sick."
