I do not like to say no to people.

As children, we grew up in a culture that made saying ‘no’ seem like you were being selfish. Saying no meant you didn’t care at all about what other people thought or felt. It meant that you didn’t want to share, you weren’t listening to your parents, or you weren’t using your manners. And while I believe that some of these things are true, this has resulted in the fact that it is so hard for me to say no to anyone about anything.

It’s really one of those things that is a double-edged sword.

Because being selfless is not bad. It’s a trait that many people wished they had, but I tend to have too much of at the wrong times. For a lot of my life, I didn’t know when to say no. I didn’t know when to stand up for myself. I let other people walk on me constantly because I didn’t want to become ‘the selfish one’.

And when you always say yes to everyone, typically, you are saying no to yourself. You are saying no to trying new things, saying how you actually feel, and making sure that you get a fair cut of what life has for you. You are saying no to once in a lifetime opportunities, and ultimately, you are hiding who you truly are to appease everyone else. And all for no good reason.

The thing is, when you always say yes, people tend to take advantage of your kindness. When you are openly willing to go above and beyond for someone, they can use it against you. And the favor is almost never returned, leaving you SOL when you become the one who needs help. I was always terrified of leaving someone behind. I was scared of losing friends and gaining a bad reputation for saying no to people. So, I said yes. To almost every single thing. Unless it was illegal or could result in bodily harm to anyone involved, I said yes. Even if I wasn’t directly involved, I said yes to turning a blind eye while other people did things I should have spoken up about. And it made me feel so sick inside that I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore.

I felt disgusting. I felt like I had enabled other people to go so far in some aspects of life, and yet I was the one who was left behind. I was the one who was left in the dust, and no one was coming back for me any time soon. The thing is, when you realize that everyone has left you, there is no one left to judge you.

So, I decided to start saying no to everyone else, and say yes to myself.

I decided that my emotions were just as valid as everyone else’s, and that they had a right to be heard. I decided that I was sick of people stepping on me and making me feel small. I decided that I was sick of working my butt of for people who would never put in an ounce of effort for me. But the biggest thing that happened when I started saying no to everyone else? I stopped settling for a second-place position in everyone else’s life.

I decided that what truly mattered to me was being happy. And being happy meant not being a second option for anyone. I am not a back-up, and I am not a consolation prize. I am not any type of prize or

award in anyone’s game, because I stopped playing the game entirely. In my world, the game doesn’t even exist anymore.

Saying yes to myself wasn’t always easy, though. Some of the hardest things that I have gone through are a result of me saying no to others, and yes to myself.

Because when you decide that you are worth more than letting other people take advantage of you, happiness will hit you like a load of bricks. You will have the weight of this world taken off of your shoulders. When you decide that you deserve a starring role in your own life, you are set free from anything that tries to hold you back. But even then, you are bound to lose people. When you realize that you have a voice and decide to use it, people will call you out and hate you. And when you decide to say no and walk away from a situation entirely, people will try to ruin you.

You’ll learn not to care anymore. You will realize that ultimately, saying no is the best thing you can do for everyone involved in the situation. Saying yes to yourself means ending a relationship that was so toxic, that people could tell from miles away. Saying yes to yourself is physically taking people out of your life, because they aren’t good for you emotionally. Saying yes to yourself means speaking up when people are taking advantage of you. It means having an extra cup of coffee, and reading a book on a nice day, and eating a bar of chocolate – simply because you can, and because you want to.

When I was little, my mom always told me that no matter what situation I was placed in, that even though I can’t control other people, I can always control my reaction. Even if what is happening isn’t fair, true, or right, I can control my response to them

I never truly understood what she meant by that until I began to say yes to myself. I never understood what controlling my reactions meant until I was placed into a situation where saying goodbye was a better reaction than trying to fight and fix things for the twentieth time. I never understood until I had to fall in love with myself rather than what people said about me.

But now, I understand. because while life is a race, I am not going to be the person keeping the time while everyone else runs. Sometimes, saying no means holding everything in. it’s not healthy. I will run, fast, for hours if I have to. I refuse to take a back seat role in my own life, and watch everyone else charge off to that finish line and leave me behind. I will run like my life depends on it, because it does. And I will get first place, because that is the place that every person deserves in their own life.

And the best thing about first place, is that no one is there to tear you down. They are there to build you up, give you a hug, and help you prepare to run again.

The race is never really over, but it is always completely worth it.