For as long as I can remember, I have always been boy crazy. One of the earliest things I can remember from my childhood is chasing around this set of twin boys on the playground in preschool because I thought they were cute. Another was in preschool when I saw this boy from across the classroom, and I kid you not, I had a crush on him until the fourth grade. I was always observing what boys like and what they liked to do. I spent hours just thinking about how I could make a boy like me. The only problem was when I was younger, I was never the girl that they went after. For some reason this rejection really affected me growing up. It wasn't that I needed the attention from them or that I needed a boy to make me feel better about myself. But sometimes when you're constantly putting so much effort into something, it just upsets you when you never see results from it.
By the time high school had come around, it was obvious that boys had started to take notice of me. The only was reason because I turned myself into someone that I thought boys wanted. I was the girl who was able to talk sports and actually know what she was talking about. I was the girl who was straightforward and didn't waste your time. I was the girl who was saving myself and wasn't giving it away to any guy who made a move. And while it may have entertained them, it didn't last. They thought it was cool that I watched the games, but they wanted to watch them with the guys instead. They admired my honesty, but didn't want anything serious. And they respected me, but after a while they got bored.
I had unknowingly adapted myself into someone who I thought was the "ideal girl." But what I've come to know is that despite being the girl that guys say they want, it doesn't mean that will actually want you. Just because you spend months with a guy going on dates, talking on the phone and making plans for the future, it doesn't mean that he'll actually want a relationship. Just because you have an amazing first date with a guy, doesn't mean he'll actually call you for a second one. And just because a guy says he feels things for you, he might actually in that moment, but don't be surprised if things change rapidly.
But if it hadn't been for these guys, I wouldn't know what I actually want in a guy. So thank you to all the guys that I've had history with -- good or bad, I've learned something from each of you. I learned that you all were great in your own way, and while what we had might had been right in that moment, it wasn't meant to be. And until I can truly accept myself for who I am and find out the things that make me happy, only then can I find a guy who is truly for me.
