Whether you realize it or not, we all live with anxiety. Everyone is scared of something, and it's a normal function to be nervous. It's not, however, normal to let that nervousness control your life. This is when it starts to develop into an anxiety/panic disorder.

It’s an awful thing, anxiety. Once you are diagnosed with it, it follows you forever and there is no way out. There are times when you are happy, but your brain tricks you. Are you really happy? Or is it a false alarm? Shouldn't you be freaking out right now? I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since I was 14 years old. My Father went to work one day, then never returned. He suffered a massive stroke and crashed his car. I was 13. From there, we moved from my childhood home, and moved in with my Aunt, and I started high school the next year, as if nothing happened. After his death, I would have these episodes all the time, worrying my family. My Mother would rush me to the hospital on a daily basis in fear I was having a heart attack. I remember having a drawer filled with hospital bracelets at one point. It wasn't until I was 17, that we actually found out what was wrong with me. I had a severe panic disorder. The doctor basically told me that my brain couldn’t differentiate whether I was in real danger or not, causing me to freak out at random moments. They told me the disorder was brought on most likely from the stress of my dad’s death.

I thought being diagnosed with something would have helped me, but I only got worse. I was so depressed my junior year because I felt like I couldn't live like a normal teenager. I found it difficult to go to class because I couldn’t be around people and I hated leaving my house because of my panic attacks. I couldn't go to see a movie because the sounds were too loud and if I got too into a movie plot, my emotions caused me to have a panic attack. I had to wear ear plugs in public to block the noise of people around me. I couldn't do spontaneous things because I needed my whole life to be scheduled in order to not have an attack. If I was too happy, I would have a panic attack, and if I was too sad, I would have a panic attack. My whole life revolved around trying to prevent my attacks. My whole life still revolves around trying to prevent panic attacks.

I had a book in middle school called "I’m not crazy" , about a girl who suffered panic attacks frequently and her battle with them. I always would read it and think “well this girl moved to Rome! She snorted cocaine! Obviously she had awful panic attacks!”. I slowly learned that mental illnesses don’t care where you live or who you are, they just happen. I have felt crazy for half my life. When I was younger, I constantly would think I was dying. In school, my nerves would make me twitch whenever I sat in front of a bright computer. All the kids around me would stare. Just the thought of having a panic attack in front of my classmates would make me have one. I would run out of the class room and down to the nurse. I missed so many classes because I was in fear for my life. I thought as I got older, my attacks would subside but they have only gotten more troublesome. I would get them in college, I would get them on buses. While I'm working in Disney World , I developed a new symptom where I would get so nervous, I lose my memory. Sometimes, I’d be with my Friends in the park, having a great time, then boom, it would hit me. I would forget why I was in Disney world , why I wasn’t at home, how did I get there. It is the most terrifying experience and I hate myself for making it possible to experience. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that I , too , don’t want to be crazy. I want to not be scared anymore. I want to be able to experience things and not be afraid. I want to feel alive. It feels impossibly far away.

To say I’ve gotten better since then would be a lie. I am not as naive as I once was, but the anxiety still buries me in darkness. I have learned how to control mild attacks with breathing exercises and meditation, but I'm still working on controlling the severe attacks.

My panic attacks are crippling for me and it’s hard for me to do normal human tasks on occasions. To understand what I go through, I have to give you a detailed description of a typical attack for me. I feel like my lungs will collapse at any moment. I feel like my brain will eat me alive. I feel like I can’t see straight, like I’m not really here. Like I left my body and can’t come back down to earth. I had 5 panic attacks in less than 2 weeks recently. I feel like a prisoner at times. I can’t do anything without having one. I hate people seeing me and thinking I’m crazy. I feel stuck in my mind when I'm having one and I can’t get out. I just feel this constant pain, emotionally and physically. Like my brain is seeping out of my ears and my body is falling apart. First, my eyes betray me and I have to tell myself that I am real, that life is real and I am in it. Then, my voice betrays me and screams without my knowledge, and then I sob, like really sob , as if I just watched someone be murdered. I can’t feel anything. I don’t know where I am, my memory slips from my fingers and I’m lost. I never knew it was possible to be lost in your own home. I have to talk to myself , to bring myself back to earth, to remember where I am. I don’t go anywhere because I lose my memory when I have my attacks. I don’t talk to anyone because I don’t want them to think I’m crazy. I can’t do school work without scratching my hands up, trying to remind myself that I’m alive. I still have scars on my hands from where I've scratched myself until I bled so I could remind myself that I was real. I can’t be in a real classroom because I can’t pay attention while my lungs are collapsing. In that moment, the world is caving in and I am dying. My mind tells me that these are my last moments and I am all alone.

I wanted to account my experience, because many people don’t understand what it is like to live with mental illnesses. I have good days , and I have bad days. Today happens to be a good day, and I can write this without being upset. Tomorrow may be another story.

I know I’m not the only one who goes through this. Panic and anxiety disorders are mental illnesses and it's not fair that it isn't seen as serious. We are seen as “mentally unstable” or “crazy” because They want to label and judge us, but not help us. Anxiety is not just being nervous. I think it’s time we bring more awareness to these issues, for the sake of all the people who are in so much pain. We can show everyone who suffers that they are not alone. That it will get better, and we will get through this together. There were times that I was so depressed because of my anxiety that I wanted to take my own life. I don't want others to feel as alone as I did. I don't want them to think that is the only option of being free.

I know this isn't an easy journey for me. I am a complete basket case and I always will be. I don't want that to stop me from living. I don't want people thinking I'm this timid scared woman who can't function, because I have gotten better in some sense as I've gotten older, but I still have to live with this disorder on a daily basis. I want to be able to live normally one day and do something with my life, but I feel so restricted at times, like I'm contained in a glass box. I have come to terms with my anxiety, and I know I will live with it forever, but that doesn't mean I don't wish to live a normal life of a 23 year old girl. Someday, I hope that I can stop living in fear and start living. I hope that day is close.