I know there are many of you out there who suffer from depression. The worst part is that some may not even know it yet. Depression is such a challenging thing. One day you feel like you can take on the world, but the next day you feel so worthless and empty. You most likely overthink things that people without depression cannot understand. My favorite is when people call it “over exaggerating” or “being ridiculous," but in reality, you feel like there is nothing that you can do to change how you are thinking.
Depression is like you are drowning in the shallow end of the pool. Everyone is telling you to just stand up and then you will be able to breathe, but there is a weight on your shoulders that is keeping you down. Everyone around you is making it seem like one of the easiest tasks in the world, to just stand up because that is all it takes to avoid drowning. But, it is much more in-depth than that.
I was diagnosed with depression my junior year of high school. I could not leave my room. I had to stop playing sports. My grades suffered drastically. People would take one look at me and think “Wow, she really stopped taking care of herself.” Every morning I had to drag myself out of bed, but it wasn’t just because I was tired physically, but mentally. I did not want to face the real world and have people look at me.
I felt so worthless and insignificant compared to everyone else that I thought my best option was to stay in my room. I went from the girl who goes from table to table in the lunch room saying hi to everyone to the girl who avoided lunch so she did not have to interact with others. I went from a three-sport athlete to not even being able to motivate myself to go to the gym.
My depression owned me. I was its slave. I had absolutely zero power over it as it affected every single aspect of my life. When I would laugh about something, it wasn’t really laughing. Deep down it was a forced laugh trying to find some happiness again. I did not want to live anymore. I did not want to face another day thinking negative thoughts. I did not want to see everyone else smiling and happy while I had to keep tissues in my back pocket prepared for my next breakdown.
After months and months of suffering and dried out tears, I made the decision to go see a therapist. People think that it makes you weak to tell someone your problems, but in reality, the strongest people are the ones who can be self-aware and take accountability if something is going wrong in their life. I would meet with my therapist twice a week as I would tell her all the experiences I have had. After a few sessions, she diagnosed me with depression, or, as I would like to call it, the drowning disorder.
After a few months of therapy, I came to a realization, a realization that I could no longer dwell in my sorrows and go on with life being unhappy and hating myself. Something came over me to find the key in my heart to unlock the chains on my back and feet that were dragging me down. Most of this inner motivation took a very long time to unleash; it did not happen overnight.
Today, I stand thankful and proud of my mental disorder. In fact, I do not even choose to call it a disorder because of all the valuable lessons it has taught me. Having depression has shown me that you should be nice to everyone around you because you really do not know all the things that others are going through. It takes a few seconds to smile at someone walking by you or hold the door for them, which could save a frown and maybe even a life.
Do not let your depression control you. Instead, control your depression. Please always remember that you are not alone and that you will get through it with the right support and faith. Keep in mind that you have to go through the worst to get to the best. Life is going to have its ups and downs, especially with depression, but if you keep fighting you will make it, I promise you. Do not let depression win because deep down you are the winner. You are not drowning; you are hitting the bottom of the pool just so you can come back up to the surface even stronger.
