I'm calling the customer service call center to deal with some changes to my flight schedule. As typical as it goes, you never get to be answered right away with your first call. They will ask you to wait on hold, as all the staff is "currently unavailable." I'm very impatient and I hate waiting. But, what can I do, other than waiting patiently as I am told to? So, to entertain myself just a bit while impatiently holding my phone right up on my face, desperately hoping the staff picks it up, here's the list of what I do:
1. I aimlessly walk around my jail cell looking dorm room, like a hamster on its treadwheel, rather miserably.
2. Then, I get tired and throw myself onto my bed, still holding my phone, desperately waiting for the staff to come spare me from my misery.
3. Then, I put up my legs against the wall and have my head hang low off the bed, feeling the extreme rush of blood concentrating on my brain, with my face turning red, and yet not changing the position because I don't want to feel like I lost to a stupid bed.
4. I get quickly bored of my meaningless competition with my bed, so I start looking at my toes and toenails. I ask myself, should I cut my toenails or should I paint them? I realize my toenails look like frog toes and start wondering how anyone could not be grossed out by my froggy toes. Then I realize all my friends hate looking at my toes and yet I shove my toes on their face, traumatizing them for the rest of their lives.
5. Now, I want to pee. Maybe, sh!t. Whatever is in my digestive system needs to come out into the world and see the shine. But, I am too shy to pee or sh!t when I'm on the phone with a stranger. What if he or she thinks I'm weird? Also, I don't want to give them the joy of finding out that I make weird noises when I sh!t. Only my friends are entitled to it. How dare you, stranger.
6. Suddenly, the staff picks up. "Thank you for your patience. How can I help you?" OMG, I feel the rush of blood to my heart and it is beating real fast. I get too nervous but I gotta play it cool. Don't let em know your fear. I gotta appear strong and fearless as my usual fierce self. So, I say, "wassup betch, y u take so long 2 answer me" jk. you know I'm not rude. That is just wrong.
7. Instead, I say, "yes, please. Thank you" with a shivering voice. I proceed to tell the staff what I need and they obviously never understand me. My South African+American+British+Korean accent is way too hard for Americans to understand. Brits and South Africans had no problem because I pretty much sound like them, but, Americans. Smh. When they say, "sorry, I didn't get that part" or "sorry, I didn't understand you" or "sorry, what did you just say?" millions of times, my self-confidence drops like a hot potato from my drooling mouth. So, I just put on my fake volleyball girl accent. Jk, I don't know how to speak like a volleyball girl, so I just try to sound as American as possible. Then, they understand me. Thank you. I rub off sweats running down my face, hoping this phone call to end. And, that's it. It's over. I throw myself back onto my bed and I realize, "oh, sh!t. I need to go sh!t. ugh feeling so lazy to get off my bed and go to the bathroom. ugh, i hate my life."
