Note: The following is a piece of satire. Very little of it is meant to be taken seriously. If you read the whole thing without questioning any of the points made, I strongly recommend bowing out of the political sphere. Please. For all of our sakes.
Last week, a gathering of persons most peculiar came to roost in Philadelphia. These people flocked from all over the country, bought up all the rooms in the higher-end hotels, shut themselves up in a sporting arena, and left as quickly as they came.
Rumor has it that a similar gathering took place in Cleveland the week prior.
These self-proclaimed “politicians” seem to be on the move, stirring up trouble in their wake. I, a surviving Philadelphian, am here to warn you of such gatherings. We may know what these politicians claim to want, but as we’ve uncovered, this does not always indicate their true interests. Therefore, I encourage each and every one of you to read the signs and stay prepared, just in case your town comes to host a political convention.
What to do in case of political convention:
1. Increase in People Wearing Suits
If, all of a sudden, there are large numbers of people in non-business districts wearing suits, it is very possible that your city is hosting a political convention. Suit-wearing people just might be politicians. Do not engage; they may interpret a casual conversation as support of their regime.
2. Construction of Idols
It seems to be that representatives from these “parties” may erect statues depicting party iconography in hopes of inspiring public interest. These statues are to be avoided, for we know not where they may have been. One day there wasn’t a donkey—the next day, there were donkeys around town.
3. Banners
The politicians want you to know that they are there. For some politicians, idols are far too subtle; instead, they will trumpet their arrival with obnoxiously patriotic signs, banners, and billboards. Look for the banners and you will not be deceived—or so we have been led to believe.
How to spot a politician:
1. Steely Gaze
When passing politicians on the streets, they will not make eye contact with you. A politician is often perfectly content to talk on his or her cell phone and look straight ahead. Not at you: Through you, past you.
2. Lack of T-Shirts
As previously stated, many of them wear suits. If the person talking on their phone and looking past you is wearing a t-shirt, it is unlikely that they are politicians. Our rumor mill is quite confident that extended contact with a t-shirt or any similarly plebeian item scalds politician skin.
3. Tasteful Pins
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell politicians from party representatives. The most reliable distinction: buttons versus pins. Party representatives wear bright buttons advocating for cannabis use or unlimited access to assault rifles. Politicians express these same sentiments subtly by wearing red, white, and blue pins on their lapels. Usually this pin takes the form of an elephant or a donkey; lately, however, there has been an increase in porcupine-shaped pins.
Effects of political conventions:
1. Unrest Among the Masses
Factions become more bold once politicians arrive in town. Groups will often take to the streets, shouting about the causes near and dear to their hearts. Desperation will often drive these groups to put on wild displays. Demonstrations can take many forms including, but not limited to: gatherings of oppressed minorities requesting equal rights, mass displays of nudity, and rabid conglomerates of cultists damning the entire city. Some of these groups are more pleasant than others.
2. Absence of the Homeless
Local officials will often hide the homeless population as well as they can in order to present their city as cleaner and more economically stable than it actually is. This can take the form of actually helping people. More often, it looks like poorly constructed walls decorated with positive messages from politicians past and beat cops purging subway tunnels.
What you can do about politicians:
1. "The Media"
Politicians speak of "the media" as vampires speak of garlic. They often complain of unfair portrayals, ruses, and masking of “facts.” This is a facade. Politicians secretly crave the camera's eye. Deny them your Twitter coverage and they will fizzle up and cease to exist.
