In early July, my very first article for the Odyssey was a story about the emotionally abusive relationship that I was in for over a year. In particular I explained the things that my ex-boyfriend put me through, and how I tried to combat his actions, to no avail. What I didn't explain then, is the aftermath of trying to move on, let go of the past, and learn to love myself again. This here is an account of the struggles I face nearly everyday.
Trying to let go of the past has been difficult.
It's even more difficult when you know that that person doesn't deserve your forgiveness. How do you forgive someone who doesn't deserve your forgiveness? How do you cease to be angry at someone who ripped your heart and your mind to bits? How do you be happy for someone who gave you nothing but hurt? I still have yet to figure any of this out.
Trusting other men has been next to impossible. In the last month, I dated someone who I really liked, and I wanted it to work. I chanced opening myself up to him, but something was holding me back. I was still comparing him to my ex, and taking out the anger I had toward my abusive ex on this new guy. I knew it wasn't fair to him, and I also knew that I wasn't in a place to handle a relationship yet. I realized that I still need more time to heal myself and let go of the past, although putting that to action has been easier said than done.
Learning to love myself and become independent again hasn't been easy. Let's be serious, I've never really loved myself in my now almost 19 years. I've battled self-esteem issues and zero body confidence since I was in elementary school when the bullying started, and when male attention was (is) ever focused on me, I clung to it like a fly on shit (still do). Learning to accept myself and focus attention on myself now is really hard. So is starting from the ground up on independence. Before the world of boys and relationships entered my life, I was a very independent kid. I was comfortable being alone and doing things by myself. I didn't lean on other people much and I didn't need other people to make me feel happy. I made myself happy with the things I loved to do, and I know that that's something I really need to get back to.
This whole process of healing and trying to move on has been a rollercoaster, and I kick myself for not putting much effort into it until now. It's been nearly eight months since I walked away from that dark chapter of my life, and yet I really have nothing to show for it. I still hold this unrelenting anger and resentment toward my ex for the way he treated me, and I still don't really know what it's like to even be "single". But now is the time. It's time for me to truly move on. Forgive my ex, accept what I went through, and use it as my reason to be stronger, not as the obstacle that's holding me back.
