Fall is my favorite season because everything's dying. Seriously, they say every end is a new beginning, right? All that was in the summer will cease to be in the fall, as the grass browns and the leaves burst into shades of fire and eventually brown too... And, symbolically, that's hopeful.
Until now, I, like many others, often found myself under the conviction that I'm not good enough. For a long time, this was something that I was not conscious of. Once it was brought up to me, I considered it, but also pronounced it an inconvenient thought. If I was suddenly satisfied with all aspects of my life (my appearance, fitness, school, work, popularity etc.), wouldn't I lose my drive to improve?
This was a baffling question that I wrestled with all summer. I was sitting by the pool, slightly sweating, and wondering if I looked thin in my bikini. I was quietly sighing at my desk because I hadn't done anything social in two days. I was good enough, but then, that was something I only told myself. I didn't believe it.
Last week, I was on my balcony, watching a rainstorm approach. It hadn't quite reached me yet; there were only a few raindrops. They made tiny taps when they hit the hot asphalt and slightly hissed as they evaporated, producing the smell we all associate with summer rain. It occurred to me that no part of me is good or bad; it's just me. The things I said were neither stupid nor profound, lame nor funny. The only thing certain about the things I said was that they were composed of sound waves. At some abstract frequency, these sound waves produced words, just as the rain hitting the parking lot produced a pitter-patter. They were essentially the same thing, just different frequencies. The things I do aren't divided into good or bad, and I'm not either good enough or not good enough. I'm just me.
As the seasons change, I want to change my black and white thinking. In addition to the physical world, the only other things I find certain are love and kindness. So maybe even though fall is successful at killing everything (jealous), it might take me some time to kill my "not good enough" mindset. If I fail from time to time, it's okay. As long as I embark with love and self-compassion in mind, it's good.
Based on my newfound philosophies, these are the things I see as absolute truths: One, summer will end. Two, fall will begin. Three, I will learn to love myself. Four, I will make mistakes, and that makes me neither good nor bad. Six, I shamelessly love the soon-approaching pumpkin spice lattes, and that is also neither good nor bad.
