If you have been living under a rock for the past few months (first off, why are you living under a rock?) and have missed out on the relatively entertaining and occasionally informative Republican Presidential candidate race, we’re here to catch you up so you’re not completely lost come November 1, 2016. Conveniently enough, there are 17 candidates. No worries, we won't strain your brain and go into a policy analysis of what each candidate is proposing. Highlighting the strongest candidates is the best route because, in all likelihood, most of the Republican candidates will pack up shop sometime before next May (I may be wrong, but we’ll see). Either way, below is a rundown of this election cycle’s Presidential candidates.
The Frontrunners
In this group of presidential hopefuls, you’ve got Donald Trump, Ben Carson, and Jeb Bush. Let’s start with everyone’s favorite, Bush. The former Florida governor is quiet around the podium and a bit boring (just like your 11 a.m. Theatre Appreciation professor), but even with his calm and lackluster performances on the road, he’s probably going to get the nod from the RNC. Meanwhile, Ben Carson has been building a solid buzz after his stellar performance at the first Republican debate. The former neurosurgeon is proposing a flat tax that he hopes would level the economic playing field, but who knows? It may be too early to tell whether or not Carson’s hype will continue to climb, or if he will comfortably take a backseat because he’s been offered a cabinet position or the VP.
Meanwhile, you’ve got everyone’s favorite primetime Republican candidate, Donald Trump. In a few short months, Trump has managed to not only piss off own his party, but women and Hispanics as well. His rhetoric and candid delivery is not viewed as presidential-esque by most. But despite all this, he’s still filling stadiums at his rallies and, more importantly, he’s leading in the majority of polls. Pundits attribute this to the fact that The Donald is speaking on issues that would end up on the backburner of most American minds. You know: the economy, immigration, national security, China…all of these things take a backseat for us Americans because we’re too busy worrying about what filter to use on Instagram. From my perspective, Donald Trump is like NZT (that fake drug on "Limitless" that makes you super smart and open your mind to all that the world has to offer). He “sheds” light on important issues and speaks on them like he’s a resident philosopher at a local bar. However, if y'all remember how the movie "Limitless" went, most people got sick because they took too much NZT. I assume that will be the case with most American voters. My prediction is that Donald won’t go down without a fight. Expect to see a reality show soon about the trials and tribulations of what it's like to be one of the most presidential candidates of all time.
The Aww Shucks Guys Candidates
This grouping houses the rest of the bunch who can’t seem to make a definitive crack on the brick road to the White House because they are so starstruck with all the attention they are or aren't getting. Senator Lindsey Graham is great but doesn’t seem to have to vigor to keep up with everyone. Carli Fiorina had a couple shining moments during the first debate, but has since lost steam. Then, turn the corner and Marco Rubio, Gov. Chris Christie, and Texas’ own Ted Cruz. These were all candidates that folks thought would change the game. Eh, they’ve only made the game much easier for candidates like Trump. The only advice I can offer to each of you is STEP YOUR GAME UP. Also, don’t hit any more kids in the face with a football…*cough* *cough* Mr. Rubio.
Then you’ve got Gov. Scott Walker who really can’t seem to find his way out of the lower half of the pack, much less Wisconsin. Though we can’t forget about Rand Paul. He’s a younger version of his dad. I think you can guess what he’s like just from that comparison.
Hopefully, I haven’t offended anyone, because I left some candidates off the list. Though that’s just a way of me saying that you’re not doing enough to make yourself standout as a candidate. Oh well. More importantly, however, I hope that you know what’s going on around you in the world of politics and some of the big-ticket issues that our country faces today. Don’t forget to register to vote and speak your mind on things that matter to you.
