Looking back through my life and my many experiences is not a new past-time for me. This act of reflection began when I was a young adult trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Every person that I met, every relationship I had and every choice I made, all seemed to veer back to my relationship to mom. Most of my twenties were spent feeling so out of step with peers. I always felt that I was living life inside out and backwards, instead of moving forward through the normal stages of life. The hard way to experience life was the choice every time.
In my thirties, I began to wonder why I had been making unsound decisions, especially in the relationship category. It was time for the merry-go-round to stop. The feeling of shame came over me when I realized I needed help to understand myself. Swallowing my shame, I asked for help from a medical professional. It was the best decision I had made in a very long time. My restlessness was wrapped up in the mental instability of my mother’s behavior while I was growing up. In the weekly sessions, as I spilled out all the issues and thoughts about my incapability to have a healthy relationship, the understanding of my mom was realized.
Growing up, I felt worthless, unable to do anything right that would garner any praise from mom. All the words that were uttered were criticisms of who I was, which did not live up to the person she expected me to become. Basically, I was a huge disappointment to her; I wasn’t perfect to her. I was broken and unable to be fixed in her eyes. She told me so on a daily basis.
Along with the therapy sessions, I began to read about the various behaviors she exhibited. She has a personality disorder, one that explains her quirks and negativity towards me. My father, of course, received the same treatment from her, but had long ago figured out ways to deal with it and not let it debilitate him. This personality disorder is one that leaves her with an empty shell of a self. That emptiness must be filled. The filler includes all the condescending remarks, the bullying behavior, the narcissistic attitude, the perfectionist and arrogant manner to deal with others. Even the lies she told and believed. My dad use to say that, “she lived in a world of her own creation, the lies were her truths.”
This behavior describes a pathological liar. The patient is consumed with filling that inner hole. Low self-esteem and lack of self, perpetuate an insatiable appetite for cruelty to make her feel whole. My entire life living at home was a balancing act where mom was concerned. It was the feeling of walking on eggshells, trying very hard not to upset her. The lashing out came like the switch of a light, quickly. There was no time to figure out what type of person I would encounter. For me, the drive to be perfect ended when I figured out that the unlovable was not me, but how she viewed herself. Something in her early life perhaps created this hole she experienced inside.
Today, I am more sympathetic and much better at creating boundaries. I no longer feel bad about myself, who I am, who I have become. I am no longer ashamed of myself. The purpose of this article is to reach out to others who may have experienced that same childhood and did not understand the confusing messages, the lack of substantial unconditional love. Without the love and support of my father, my life would be a much bigger mess and it may have taken me much longer to see the mental illness that was not me.
My mom is older now with medical issues. I have forgiven her for the hatred, the cutting and cruel remarks, the belittling, the bullying, the threats and the overall lack of motherly love. A promise that I made long ago to my father included taking care of mom when he was no longer alive. This promise has been kept for over seven years. The goal for myself is to continue the awareness of this disorder and the damage it inflicts upon the innocent who love them. I will always have work to complete on myself, which is what life is all about. Knowing that I survived and have begun to flourish from this emotional experience, drives me to be a happy and whole person again.
