A week ago, I was walking back from the gym to get lunch, Switchfoot blaring in my headphones. It had rained earlier that morning and the pathways were a little shinier, the grass a little greener. As I passed a grassy knoll my gaze fell upon a lonely dandelion growing out of the ground. Being the romantic that I am, I went ahead and plucked it. With Switchfoot "welcoming me to existence", I breathed heavily on the Dandelion head and my eyes followed the seeds as they were carried along by the wind. As my eyes traced their paths, my gaze landed on the lake. Lower lake was calm this morning, my eyes panned across the vista - The wooden gazebo along the bank was damp, Jorge the Goose was peacefully floating on the glassy surface of the water, Prospect hill loomed large and grand, as though enveloping Mount Holyoke under its protective shade. With Jon Foreman's voice in my ears loudly "daring me to move, daring me to lift myself up off the ground" I defiantly stopped. I did not move. I sat back down on the ground. In that moment, all was well.
I would argue that the best kept secret among adults is that growing up is not easy. When we were children, they would reminisce amongst themselves about the "good old days" and "simpler times". You receive very few warnings about hormones and emotions and even fewer people talk about mental health. However, if you are observant, you might be able to pick up hints along the way. Hint #1: When you move away from your parents' home, as do most people in their lifetime, and your new life makes you feel as though you are submerged in water, thrashing, ponder these words of my grandmother who said "It is very easy to look back decades later and nonchalantly comment on your experiences but when you're in the thick of something it can be incredibly overwhelming". Eventually, you will learn to swim. Hint #2 When you finally see your parents after months of being apart and start to fall back into old patterns, maybe my mother's words might help you, "There are going to parts of your life now, of which we are not a part. And that is okay." Eventually, you will embrace the possibilities of this freedom. Hint #3 When relationships break, and you witness everything that was real in your life crumble before your eyes look at your situation as an opportunity. The best one yet, because from this rubble you will rebuild yourself. You have to. Month after month. Piece by piece. Stronger and more powerful than ever before. You will become You. The You that is now your own.
As I complete my second year of college I can all but reflect on these two tumultuous years gone by. I have come to realise that the free advice, errant thoughts and ordinary experiences that felt unimportant at the time have, in fact, played pivotal roles in bringing me up to this juncture. How fortunate I am. Fortunate to be growing in an environment where women and men support and empower one another; fortunate to be studying in a liberal atmosphere where ordinary coffee-table musings become intellectual pursuits; almost entitled to be experiencing a life where the length of my skirt has no correlation with the strength of my character.
Therefore, it was important for me to describe this special moment because, in this moment, all the pieces of the puzzle made sense. This moment was the cumulative result of two years of thrashing around in water. No, the pieces of the puzzle did not fall into place, but their existence finally made so much sense. Quite aptly, I was being welcomed to existence by Switchfoot. From observing little dandelion seeds floating in the wind to staring down a mountain, developing this new perspective helped me see the beauty in my life. I realised that I had finally found peace. Made peace with my circumstances, past decisions and an uncertain future. I made peace with myself. I realised that there was not a person in the world against whom I held a grudge, not one person who I 'hated' but so many people who I loved. Unconditionally and relentlessly. It also dawned on me that I had finally started to practice what I had preached - to not care what others thought of me. Very honestly, this was the most liberating of all. Broken free from the shackles of society, I am free. For the first time in 20 years, when I look in the mirror now, I love what I see. Not just on the outside, but also what lies within that reflection.
Apparently it is rebellious. But why bother, for it is beautiful.
