Welcome to America.
Watch your step, it's a bit slippery. Blood and tears and what not. Oh don't worry, not from soldiers, their blood is being spilled overseas instead. Let some lesser country deal with that.
We're the best after all. Best in cocaine, best in anxiety, best in firearms, best in number of prisoners (no correlation). That's right, we have it all. Forget what we owe, think about what we've got. Like simultaneous epidemics of obesity and starvation. Some in the same neighborhoods. We're very diverse, don'tcha know.
That's why God looks down on us. Not in a judgmental way like with Asia, Europe, or Mexico, but the way he looks on his chosen people, ever since manifest destiny. After all, we put his name on our currency used to starve the families of the lazy single parents. We say his name in our oath to a piece of fabric. We even put aside our ministry to fight against the war on Christmas.
It's been a rough few years, but we're pulling through. The most patriotic of us who praise the Good Lord second only to the Holy Constitution pulled a turnaround this past week. A self made man of integrity with barely over one hundred and fifty lawsuits will be our savior. He'll lead us out of fear, and drive out those who cause it. Not us of course, but those we feel threatened by.
The Muslims have to go. The freedom of religion wasn't meant to include that. Unlike the second amendment, it's something we need to account for the Founding Fathers being unable to predict. Freedom of religion is really just deciding what kind of Christian you want to be. No problem there, it's a lot of choices.
Send the Mexican immigrants away too. When Jesus spoke of hospitality and loving your neighbor, he didn't mean them. They're illegal people. You see, they were born somewhere else, then came here. That was only okay once.
We're keeping gay people in mind though. Our holy leader is going to push for conversion therapy. He'll still love them as the devout Christian who quotes Second Corinthians would, just as soon as they become normal. Love the sinner, annihilate the sin right? Ignore the plank in his eye, it's just part of his contacts.
His stance on pro life was the key point to victory. Not like, for soldiers' lives in the Middle East, or for poor mothers lives with kids they couldn't afford, or for kids lives with lazy parents, or for the lives of the population of terrified gay teens at rising suicide rates, or for the psyche of the school children of all ages being harassed by other students and teachers for their skin color, or the countless lives of minorities who have been assaulted in his name, or for the women he's okay with being groped without consent. But for fetuses. Priorities.
These next few years look promising. Finally, a man of true Christian value in office. He just has to put his Bible on the shelf for a while as we fix things. He knows it's best to leave it for Sunday mornings.
Finally we can focus on real issues. Forget healthcare, it's time to get rid of participation trophies. Forget equal rights, it's time to get rid of having to say "happy holidays." Forget feeding the hungry, safe spaces have to go first. Finally, us Christians can have the values Jesus preached.
We hope you enjoyed the tour. We'd offer you to stay, but we have homeless veterans we have to not take care of first. Now get out.
