Abel Tesfaye, better known as The Weeknd, is a chart-topping Canadian R&B singer, and one of my all-time favorite artists. Not to mention, he is an exemplary figure for demonstrating that looks don’t matter when it comes to a person’s substance or talent. He has hair resembling who knows what – a palm tree, the Apple Jacks cinnamon stick, or a piece of coral – but if Drake's songs can make you cry about your exes, The Weeknd's songs can make you cry about your future exes that you haven't even met yet.
On the surface, it may seem as if he makes music about the same materialistic subjects as every other 2010s artist – alcohol, sex, drugs and money – nothing particularly innovative. But behind nearly all of his songs are painful connotations that always take me aback yet never cease to amaze me.
In light of the sad undertones, I’ve compiled a list of ways life would be different if the lyrics to various The Weekend songs were taken literally.
"I only call you when it’s half past five." –"The Hills," The Weeknd
I wouldn't even mind if someone always called at 5:30 p.m. It's right before my dinnertime and long after my lunchtime. But at 5:30 a.m.? Nope, I need my beauty sleep.
"So I love when you call unexpected." –"Earned It," The Weeknd
He’s got some weird double standards though. He can only call you when it’s half past five, but you can call him anytime? How annoying.
"Still scream XO, when that Henny pour." –"Life For," The Weeknd ft. Drake
If The Weeknd were a sorority girl, he'd probably be a Chi Omega. Just look at him throwing what he knows! I wonder if the Chi-O girls at UT would give him a bid.
"So tell me you love me...Even though you don't love me" –"Wicked Games," The Weeknd
Tsk Tsk Abel. Honesty is the best policy!
"When I got on stage, she swore I was six feet tall." –"Kiss Land," The Weeknd
Well if you’re a guy with bad pull game because of your height, just find the nearest stage and get on it!
"High-heel shoes make you six feet tall." –"The Party & The After Party," The Weeknd
He's got a real obsession with the height six feet. I know he’s a dude, but I don’t think he gets that high heels come in different heights…there are stilettos and there are kitten heels... They can’t all make a girl six feet.
"I can't feel my face when I'm with you." –"Can’t Feel My Face," The Weeknd
Losing nervous sensation in your face temporarily sounds rather frightening, but imagine how useful this would be when going to the dentist! You'd have essentially an innate anesthesia for your face and you wouldn't feel anything -- no matter what foreign objects those tooth magicians decide to put in your mouth.
"She was young and all she had was the city." –"In The Night," The Weeknd
All she had was the city? I dunno man, cities are pretty huge... The city of Austin has nearly one million residents. Maybe he thinks it’s small compared to his...whatever.
"These girls born in the 90's are dangerous." – "Acquainted," The Weeknd
Congrats, if you are a '90s kid you are dangerous. Let all those born in other decades fear you.
"Do you like the way I flick my tongue or nah?" –"Or Nah," Ty Dolla $ign ft. The Weeknd, Wiz Khalifa & DJ Mustard
Say goodbye to handwritten notes or even the text message. The human species has evolved to use tongue flicking as a form of mating call.
