My biggest struggle in school is the lack of understanding that most of my teachers have for mental illness. As someone who suffers from a variety of mental illnesses it made attending class very difficult. I had no idea why I was so sad and terrified all the time and I had no one to talk to. No one I could trust. I could barley look at my teachers in the eyes every time the asked me why I was not coming to class, I did not know why I could not get out of bed in the morning, or why I would just break down at any moment. None of my teachers took the time to try to figure out my health issues with me, none of them were able to see how much I was suffering. I really wish someone had noticed, it would have made all the difference.
My grade eleven year hit me with some of the most impactful times that sent me on a downward spiral. There is one moment that stands out above the rest as being the biggest contributor. Early October two years ago, I was participating in a sensory journey task in drama class. The task had me being blindfolded and then lead around the room to explore all the different scenes. The minute I heard that I would have to be blindfolded I was thrown into a panic. I was hyperventilating and getting clammy and I was terrified. I had no idea what was happening. I went up to my teacher in private and told her that I did not think I could complete the task. She looked at me with this dumbfounded expression on her face and told me I had to do it. I was in no position to speak up for myself, as I did not understand what was actually happening. The one thing she agreed to let me do was watch the other people go before me so I was prepared for what was going to happen.
While I waited in the hallway to be blindfolded, I was practicing my deep breathing and trying the relax, but nothing was working. When my teacher stepped out into the hallway and put the scarf over my eyes everything went black. I will never forget the feeling of complete panic that followed. My very first panic attack. Standing blindfolded I was frozen, I could not speak. I was screaming in my head and tears were running down my face. I could not breath. My teacher asked if I was okay and I managed to force the word "no" out, but she told me to get over it and shoved me into the classroom.
Throughout the entire walkthrough I was terrified, the screaming in my head was now just a deadly silence. I could not think, I could not breath. I clung onto the person beside me for dear life, never letting go. When it was finally over, I sat in the hallway crying, my head between my knees. My stomach turned nauseous and I ran to the washroom. I threw up into the disgusting toilet until my throat burned. My legs felt like jell-o when I stood back up and I felt empty.
The worst part was, my teacher never spoke to me about it. Never asked if I was okay. She just acted like nothing had ever happened. Teachers spend lots of time with students and I am adamant that they need better training. Teachers need to be made aware of the presence of mental illness in their classroom and what to do when a student is having a difficult time. The number of students who are being affected by mental illness is increasing every year, yet the education system remains the same. Something needs to be done to help the students who can not help themselves.
