“So, what are we?”

Within the few seconds between her question and my response, it seemed as if a million thoughts and memories came rushing in all at once; some great and some not-so-great, some intense and some more chill, thoughts of what could have been and thoughts of what could be - thoughts and memories that built up to what we became.

At that point in time, I had only known this person for roughly three years and we had become closer over the course of the 11 months that built up to this single moment. During this short time period, we learned more about each other than anyone else - we knew each other’s secrets, each other’s past, each other’s everything. From the moment we considered ourselves close, a small spark lit what became a raging fire. We knew there was something, neither of us knew what nor did one tell the other about her sudden feelings until much later. Unbeknownst to the other, we were both fighting internal battles regarding this little spark that was once something we both condemned as it slowly became something we were secretly wishing for.

It’s hard to describe that feeling with anything other than it being an indescribable one. It consisted of a mix of feelings that could best be compared to a salad: You take in and enjoy your favorite parts, but you’ve still got to deal with the bits you originally ignored, so you cover them up with something else until it’s tolerable enough to deal with and you feel proud of yourself despite the fact that you didn’t really make a difference.

However, a tasteless salad is much easier to deal with than confusing feelings towards your closest friend.

We fought these secret battles for months, terrified of the faint possibility that the other would find out and completely disown them for having these thoughts. We wanted to drop hints while still keeping this classified information to ourselves in fear of losing a perfect friendship. We wanted to receive help from the other yet instead bottled up these feelings as an attempt to convince ourselves that it was nothing.

I suppose this emotional silence became too much for me to handle, as I seemingly out of nowhere spilled this held-back information about my thoughts and feelings to her. Terrified, I refused to open any messages for the rest of the day and longed for a rewind button or an “unsend message” option that didn’t exist. I had no idea that she, too, had these feelings - I assumed she took after her family’s views and would drop me in an instant. As I fell asleep on a tear-soaked pillow, I slowly began convincing myself that I would have to live the rest of my time on Earth alone, without her.

It took four months of effort for her to convince me that she was not going to disown me; it wasn’t until she, too, began to open up to me about how she felt towards me through a series of events that took place until the moment in which the question was asked.

So in this moment of laying in bed, she in my arms as we prolong a goodbye that should have taken place hours before and her patiently waiting for the response to the question asked just seconds before, the spark that started everything returned brighter than ever. Our eyes locked, looking deeper at the bright blues and greens I never truly noticed before, we both knew the answer to a question never needing to be asked.