Long distance relationships have earned themselves a bit of a reputation for being absolutely and assuredly doomed from the beginning—and not without good reason. It can be easy to grow in different directions, especially in such rapidly changing environments like college and your early twenties, times when you have the most time and resources to discover what you can and can’t handle academically, professionally, and relationally as well.
But long distance relationships can work, and yours isn’t doomed from the start—not quite. Whether the two of you are just apart for the summer or are looking at a whole year or more of separation, don’t be too quick to call it quits because you don’t think it will work. It can work! But it will take some work from both sides to keep things going well.
1. Keep in contact.
Set up regular times to talk. It also works best if you are at least somewhat aware of each others’ schedule and have a way to contact each other at any time, in case things come up. Remember that sometimes it’s nice to be able to take comfort in the person you’re closest to on short notice.
If you have limited access to the other person, don’t fret. You’ll likely become more independent as a result, or remember a bit of what it’s like to be on your own, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it can give you a little breathing room in your relationship that you didn’t know you needed. But it’s still best for the two of you to check in whenever you can. Otherwise, there isn’t much stopping the two of you from losing the magic altogether.
2. Stay honest and share your concerns.
Don’t just talk about the great stuff that’s happening to you. Talk about the rough stuff too. Make it a real conversation when you talk, otherwise your relationship is in danger of falling into something too superficial to last very long. Talk about what’s been difficult for you—both the stuff that concerns your relationship, and things wholly separate, like the rigors of your classes, the stresses of job-hunting, or the pressures from your boss. It’s the best way to keep up-to-date on as much of each others’ lives as you can and also to continue to build on a relationship that is mutually beneficial.
3. Don't hog your talk time.
It’s easy to talk about yourself and your world, because you’re in it, and you’ve saved up a whole trove of facts and failures to share since you last spoke to your man or lady, but remember that they’re a whole person too with their own trove of happenings to share. And the more you can stay interested in them, the more likely your relationship is to survive the trials of long-distance.
4. Keep your plans alive.
Don’t stop making plans together! Your lives may not be completely in sync now, but remember that you’re working towards a day when they are! And you have to live like that day is coming, otherwise, yeah, you’re already dooming yourself.
5. Have faith.
Nobody likes having to work for a relationship just to have their other mistrust them, and it’s only going to poke holes in your relationship if the other person knows or suspects that you suspect them of being unfaithful. Have faith that this relationship means as much to them as they say, and wait for them to prove you wrong. Going looking for evidence of cheating or barging in and throwing down accusations is a sure-fire way to damage any relationship. If you have faith in someone and it turns out they were unfaithful, you won’t be the one at fault. But going in after them doesn’t save a whole lot of time and heartache in the long run; it just makes a mess of things.
6. Mix it up.
It may sound like a secondary concern to say that you should keep the love alive, but your romantic interest in one another is the reason you’re together in the first place. If that fades, the two of you may find yourselves wondering why you decided to do this in the first place and why you’re spending so much time and effort to make it to the reunion. Mix it up. Do what it takes to keep that spark. We all have to do it in some way or another. The distance between you two just means you might have to get a little more creative.
Hey, it’s not too weird to skype him or her in for a romantic dinner. Give it a shot. If he or she feels the same way, chances are they’ll really appreciate the candles, even if they can’t smell them. These days ordering flowers and having them delivered is easier than ever. The nice ones may cost you an extra buck or two, and you might miss seeing her face when they arrive, but her face when she thanks you will give you a pretty good idea of your success. Romance makes the world go ‘round! And it’s going to give your relationship the best shot at surviving the physical separation.
7. Respect each other.
Finally, remember that the distance between you doesn’t lessen the value of the person you’re with. Don’t let yourself loose sight of their merits, and of their wants and needs. Be aware that people’s desires do change, and what you thought you wanted may turn into something else. The same goes for him or her. The more you respect that and try to be flexible, the better your relationship will fare. If you’re unwilling to accept the changes they propose, you can’t expect your relationship to move forward. And that’s true whether you’re separated by a few feet or a few hundred miles. It’s jus easier to forget when you’re apart. But life is an ever-changing game, and all healthy relationships are based on a mutual respect for one another and a willingness to weather the changes together as much as you can.
Of course, if you’re doing it right, your relationship is still a two-way street and there isn’t a whole lot you can do to change their mind if the other person just isn’t feeling it anymore. But don’t let the nay-sayers kill your flame. If you believe in your relationship enough to brave the distance, then treat it like the special something it is and put your heart into making it work!
