Job interviews are the most stressful thing on the entire planet. I don't care who you are, you are going to be sweaty and anxious and awkward from the first handshake to the last. You could be Ellen DeGeneres and you would still accidentally call the interviewer mom. Here are my tips on ways to not fail a job interview miserably.
1. Hand the interviewer a towel and/or gloves before you shake their hand since your palms are pools of sweat and will drench their entire arm.
2. Bring all of the photo albums your mom kept of your childhood so your interviewer can get a good grasp of your entire transformation from a baby to the eligible young prospective employee you are now.
3. Also bring a plate of homemade cookies so they get a taste of what they'll be getting at company potluck luncheons. If you can't bake for your life, buy store bought cookies and transfer them to a plate.
4. Make sure not to ask any questions when they ask you if you have any at the end. They are busy people and don't have time to be held up by your trivial queries.
5. Smile widely at them the entire time, even if your mouth starts to get sore. Be sure to laugh uproariously at anything remotely funny that they say. Everyone loves a good ego boost. You will seem friendly and personable, both important qualities that employers look for.
6. Leave in any piercings you may have, and wear clothes that show off your tattoos. You could even put on a few fake tattoos if need be. You will come across as edgy and different and they will infer that you will bring a new perspective to the workplace.
7. Don't eat any sort of nut before the interview. You don't want to take the risk that they are deathly allergic and will go into shock when they breathe in a trace of peanut. Instead, eat a hearty meal of raw onions and garlic. No one is allergic to those.
8. If you are a little nervous, there's no harm in taking a few shots of hard liquor to calm your nerves and loosen you up a bit. A half a bottle of tequila should do it.
9. Call the interviewer by their first name. As well as showing confidence and warmth, It will facilitate a sense of camaraderie between you.
10. Turn it around so that they are selling themselves to you, and not the other way around. After all, they'd be blessed to be bestowed with your presence in the workplace. If they want you to come work for them they'd better have some good convincing techniques up their sleeves. Gently remind them that a little begging goes a long way.
On your way out, tell them that you'll be lettingthey know within a couple weeks time whether or not you'll be accepting a position with them.
