Every New Year's Eve, it is a given that each of us will make some life-changing commitment, that we believe will bring us into the new year in a more positive way. Most of these have to do with a physical change, like losing weight or quitting something that is bad for us. We choose things that we believe we can accomplish, and in the moment we really think we can, but we forgot how hard most of these resolutions are to stick to.
Inevitably, after the first month when we realize we actually have lives to go back to after the holidays, and the same busy schedules that stopped us from accomplishing our resolutions the previous year, we begin to falter. This is not something to feel bad about. I've done it, and so has everybody else, and we should really all just stop kidding ourselves. But, even though we all know that 90 percent of people quit their resolutions, it still makes you feel a little shitty.
So, I've come up with a guide for all you quitters out there. A way to fake any resolution, so you can get away with staying the old you. This way, your friends don't have to know you'd rather just eat the pizza and enjoy life, than shed those annoying few pounds, or any other pesky habit you were trying to break.
1. Weight Loss
The big kahuna of all New Year's resolutions. About 50 percent of people choose to do this, and about 49 percent of those give up after that first time on the treadmill, while drenched in sweat, and feeling like they might vomit. I've been there, and trust me, the gym is not really somewhere I feel happiness exists. Sweat is your body crying. And I don't want my body to cry. I'd rather it be fat and happy.
So, the trick? Constantly wear workout clothes. Workout clothes are cute now. They have cute colors, and are actually very, very comfortable. I am currently wearing workout leggings right now while writing this, and eating pizza. If you wear workout clothes, people assume you work out, and that you're a sporty goddess. Problem solved.
2. Spend Less Money
OK, this is probably one most of us should stick to. I'm about to graduate college, and with my Creative Writing degree, I should be saving every penny for when I literally make no money after college. But, of course, my happiness comes first. And a new pair of shoes makes momma very, very happy.
My solution? Online shopping. No one will even know that you've been spending because you get to secret shop, while in bed, and on the same device you will then use to watch Netflix. It's perfect.
3. Study More
Definitely a priority for most college students. Gotta get those A's to be successful. But maybe you just want to be average. A's are cool and all, but the amount of time that goes into getting them means a lot of missed Netflix time, and a lot of times having to pass on going out.
For this one, I believe you just need to look the part. In the movies they make the nerdy girl look cute by removing her glasses, which blows everyone's mind and mine every time. To look like you study more, simply put the glasses back on. You don't even need to have a sight issue, because it's trendy to be partially blind these days.
4. Travel
Traveling is a goal for a lot of people. We all see the amazing pictures of our idols, yachting in Santorini, or taking a picture by the Eiffel Tower. It's a great goal to see the world, and if I had an unlimited budget I would see the whole world twice over. But then you go back to your job and realize you have a shit job that pays you just over minimum wage per hour.
Easy. Go into a woodsy/exotic looking area, and take an Instagram. Caption it somewhere great like the rainforest. People won't fact check. It's Instagram. They'll believe you.
5. Drink Less
We've all made this resolution. "I'm an adult now, so I should definitely not be drinking this much in one night." Well, as I sip my glass of wine and write this article, my advice to you is to quit this resolution. Alcohol in adult world is synonymous with much need relaxation.
This one is easy because the inventor of vodka already thought about this debacle. Vodka looks like water. So you're drinking water. Just water. Party on, ya quitter.
6. Get Organized
This one hits home, because I am going to venture to guess that I am the most messy person that I know. Yes, I have had food rotting in my room. Yes, my room looks like it has been abandoned and infested with rodents. Yes, I don't care at all that only I can locate my actual bed.
Answer to the messy problem? Close the door. It's nobody's business anyway.
7. Learn a New Language
This is something that all of us wish we could do. You hear someone spout some exotic phrase and you wish that you could speak in some native tongue that isn't English. We all wish we were Sophia Vergara, and could be sexy just from the way we spoke. Realistically though, that takes time, and the only thing I remember from Spanish is "cat," which is "gato" because it sounded like the last name of my middle school crush.
Simple. Learn the basics. Wow your friends, telling them curse words in whatever language, and whatever else they ask, make up. They won't know the difference.
8. Watch Less TV
Our parents have always told us that TV will rot our brains. Yes, this is a gross exaggeration, and I can prove it because I'm in college and my brains have successfully carried me through. Though I get this resolution, we should all be reading more and expanding our vocabulary, but it's the 21st century, and TV is the way things are going.
My trick for this is simple. Create a Netflix cave. You. Your bed. And Netflix for a full 24 hours. Tell people you are going on a trip, or that you have a dentist appointment. The less they know the better. But the point is, you get away with a Netflix binge with no one finding out. You win.
So carry on, my quitters. We are the champions.
