Well, it’s that time of year agai-wait, no, it’s that time of the every four years again, and you know what that means! It’s time for the advertisements, the debates, the uncomfortable discussions with that dude who sits next to you at work who can't stop peeking his head in to your cube, and everyone's favorite, vicious arguments with your many friends and family over social media. Here are some tips to get the bloodbath started.
Blindly Vote for Your Party
Everyone knows that the first step of election season is to support whichever candidate represents your political affiliation, without discrimination. Are you a registered democrat and your presidential hopeful wants to do away with our country’s borders to really give the US that authentic melting pot feel? Are you a die-hard republican and the red nominee once led a small (but still in poor taste) genocide against a tribe of Western Asian nomads? Look no further, you’ve found who you’re voting for.
The first step is to figure out which candidate got your party’s nomination. If you don’t know what party you belong to, just ask your father what his is, and go with that. The first step is also the last step. No need to do any research, watch the debates, or even see if they past the Eye Test (Ex. When watching a game between two teams you don’t know about, and you pick the one with the cooler uniform, or the better looking quarterback). Just get their name and commit to them from there on out.
Vote for Bernie, Knowing that he’s out of the Running
It seems like most millennials were Bernie fans at one point. Hmm, wait a second, it seems like a weirdly large amount of us were Bernie fans for him not to be a nominee… odd. Anyways, he’s out of the running now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t write him into the ballot!
To be honest, I can’t take credit for this idea; I have to hand it to some of my colleagues on Facebook. I mean, I saw an article entitled “How Bernie Sanders Could Become President with Only 130,000 Votes” shared only thirteen hours ago from a Wordpress blog (see Rule 3).
Paraphrasing, someone else posted something along the lines of “Bernie didn’t actually drop out, his fingers were crossed behind his back the whole time! We can still vote for him! I have delusions of grandeur!”
Clearly, people are still feeling the Bern, so come Election Day, you should too! Just write his name in and I’m sure he’ll overcome the odds.
Cite Really Bad Sources
Remember, dear reader, your opinion is always the correct one. What better way to reinforce that then sharing posts from literally any website you come across? Everyone is going to see what the major news outlets post, and any well-researched paper was probably already picked over. You’re going to need to be re-posting those deep-cuts to make sure that none of that fresh information gets overlooked. I’m talking about conspiracy theories from Wordpress blogs, poorly written op-eds from websites that end in .info, millennial listicles, and your cousin’s Facebook rant about Monica Lewinski that is totally relevant. The truth is out there, but it’s in the shadows. Go, my friends, into the shadows!
Berate your Friends and Family
Do your loved ones support the candidate that is running against yours? Screw them, go right for their throat. It doesn’t matter that you grew up together on the playground. Who cares if they gave birth to you? Don’t worry about the time they saved your dog from that freak filibustering accident. They have a different opinion and it’s time to cut the cord.
Has your cousin shared an article that goes against your political views? Reply to it with a paragraph about why everything about them is just the absolute worst. Use buzz words like “moronic”, “delusional”, and “your mother/my aunt did this world a disservice by procreating”. Did your friend post something commending the democratic candidate? Reply to it with an aggressive meme that doesn’t even follow the Official Meme Formatting Guidelines (Version 3.21). Or, you could go one step further…
Threaten to Delete Your Friends from Social Media
Do you have trouble understanding the opinions of others? Are you a poorly adjusted man-child who just can’t be incorrect? Did your parents tell you that you were always right and the fact that you’re not is just a realization you cannot handle at this point in your life? Post an ultimatum stating that you are fully ready to unfriend anyone with an opinion of a different shade then yours. Chances are, the only likes and comments you receive will be from people that agree with you because that’s who you’ve surrounded yourself with, but that’s okay, people now think your alpha AF.
Write a Satirical Political Article and Post it on Facebook
Ahem.
Literally Start ISIS
This step might be controversial, as starting a terrorist organization hellbent on destroying democracy typically is. This action is typically frowned upon and considered a bad move by many, which is why you need to do it right. However, it's a great move for election season to maybe scare off some of your friends and family from voting, I think? I'm not totally sure, someone help me out here.
Hope you're all able to utilize these tips and trips throughout the rest of the election. I can guarantee these won't start arguments of any kind (don't quote me on that).
