Up until a week ago I thought that I had the rest of my life planned out. I was engaged and content, the cherry on top was my diamond ring.
As seasons changed so did the sparkle on my left hand.
Was it possible for something to sparkle TOO much?
It was.
Although magnificent and brilliantly shiny,
A rock that size began to shine brighter than me
Casting a glare on the rest of the world
With my left hand entering the room first
I fell back
Karat by karat creating more distance
Until I was lost in its shadow
I felt the shift
And did absolutely nothing in resistance
I felt like I was in Lake Michigan on a hot day
Running towards the water
As if my life depended on it
Because in some kind of sad way, it did
I had forgotten life outside of the water
As waves crash against the sand
I was begging for it to wash upon my feet
Sighing in disappointment
Because everything I need is so close
With my left hand stretched out
I realized that the wave I dove into
Was drowning me
The white caps of the past two plus years
Crashed over my lifeless body
I felt stupid for continuously
Wading in the deep end
Welcoming every wave
My heart skipped like stones on the shore
Only to realize
That I had willingly walked into a rip tide
I could only hold my breath for so long
But when I came up for air
My legs were so weak
Out of shape and desperate
The truth was that I hadn't stood on my own in so long
Struggling to keep my head above water
I reached my left hand out
Cold air gripped my palm
And pierced my delusional heart
I was in the eye of my own hurricane
How could someone hold my hand
If I had gone into the shallows alone?
The sparkle blinded me
Something so perfect
Too perfect
To the point where I would sell my soul
Just to be as perfect as an accessory
And so the conformity began
Slowly I had forgotten my core
Because I knew that no amount of confidence
Would ever be as
Bullet proof
Beautiful
& bold as you
I lost myself in the sparkle and became dull
So there I was
In the water
With an ache in my chest
Numb from the frigid water
I could feel the rocks piercing my feet
Which was actually a good thing
Because I knew that regardless of
The temperature of this body of water
That my soul hadn't become cold
Damaged footprints dragged along
And it took all of me to stand up
But I knew
That if I kept my head underwater
I would drowned
I would've grown gills to stay under
Just a little longer in your waves
I was staying in
Even when the water was well over my head
And risked my identity every time
I was addicted to the turbulence of our storm
& got a rush from being trapped in a cyclone
Lightning hit the water
As thunder followed in his path
And the rain that fell from her cheek
Filled the air and created a lonely ambiance
Pitter patter on top of the water
Refilling the lake that almost killed me
Swimming deeper against the current
That warned me to go back to shore
I was shivering
Looking for rescue in anything that floats
It was then that I inhaled water
Choking on the realization that
We had been treading water for so long
That we had forgotten how to swim
Although my diamond was breathtaking
It couldn't float me to safety in a storm
I had burrowed so deep
And planned out my life
In hopes of stability
Life became more chaotic
And we found ourselves in the hurricane again
And the truth is that yes,
A diamond may be the strongest
But no amount of karats
Could mend this levee
After this storm
Which felt like Katrina inside my mind
The only option I had was to start over
Rebuild myself from the ashes
Taking bits and pieces along the way
Life and love comes and goes in waves
& I'm here to say that
Even in the love of your life
You need to know how to swim on your own
Before you submerge yourself underwater
