I’ve lost few people in my life who really mattered. I was sixteen when I lost my great grandmother. There isn’t a day that I don’t think about her. That was four years ago and as much as I hate to admit it, there’s a lot of that time I don’t remember. Part of me still doesn’t know if that’s for the best or for worst, but I can’t change it now. I do know now, that watching someone I love lose someone they love is miserable.

One of the most important people in my life recently lost her grandmother and it has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Not because it was my grandmother, not because I have to pretend to care, not because I have to fake anything, but because I feel so helpless.

My best friend has been there for me through so many of my good and bad moments. She helped me through my first loss, and I feel as though I’m struggling to help her right now. I know she loves me. I know she appreciates all I’ve tried to do, but I feel like trying my best isn’t enough.

I can’t be there. I can’t stand right next to her and hold her hand and that’s a miserable feeling. College has been such a wonderful experience for us both individually, but it has not helped our friendship. I don’t feel at all that we’ve grown apart, but not seeing her all the time is hard. Having to maneuver work and class schedules to see each other has not be the slightest bit of fun. It’s so much harder to be there, in person, for the big stuff.

I know her college is the best fit for her, and mine is the right fit for me, but it doesn’t keep me from hoping those two places were a little closer. I haven’t seen her in almost two months and I know she needs me right now. Life is crumby that way. Sometimes when you need someone the most, it the time they truly can’t be there. I’m putting my whole heart, my whole soul into everything we are right now. I’m calling or texting every chance I get, but I still feel like it’s not enough.

I know I never thanked her for being there for all those moments. I’m seeing now that it had to have hurt her as much as it’s hurt me to see someone you love suffer in any way at all. This isn’t some stupid boy. This isn’t a bad grade. This isn’t a fight with your mom or dad. This is something that can’t be fixed. Losing someone is the easiest way to lose yourself.

I try to remind her every day that it’ll be okay, not today or tomorrow, but someday. The last moments aren’t the most important. Love is beyond measure and can last long after someone is gone. I really just want to fix it all. I really want things to go back to how they were. And if nothing else, I really want to be there, physically be there, so that I can hold your hand and let you cry on my shoulder.

Love is the one thing I can offer now and for the rest of time. I can love her and she can love me back. No matter what has happened or whatever will, I know that there is so much love to be given and so much love to be had in this. Sometimes that’s all that we can ask of ourselves and others, and sometimes that’s all the support a person ever needs.