My family moved around a lot when I was younger, and because of this I often found myself jumping in and out of different schools. I met a lot of people, but I never stayed long enough to make close friends. All the relationships I made with my classmates were short and sweet, and they all had one common factor. I built most of them off my own back because I was desperate for friends. I was eager to please, and I would do anything for someone to label me as their friend.

I was a pushover.

Once I got into high school, and finally settled in one place for longer than a year; I found that it was hard to shake the persona of being a pushover. I had always only made friends with people who were only interested in what I could do for them. I would allow those people to take the reins and I smiled when they walked all over me. Making myself uncomfortable for the sake others came almost as natural as breathing. At first, I didn’t think of it as being taken advantage of and I let myself believe that the people who walked all over me were my friends.

I wanted to be different in high school. I wanted to have friends who loved me for me and not for what I could do for them.

Everyone is quick to tell you how hard it is to kick a habit. I had plenty of people tell me how hard it would be to stop putting other people’s happiness before my own. I was prepared for all of that. I knew that I would have to work hard to stand up for myself.

The idea of being something other than a supporting character in my life was absolutely terrifying, but I did it. To this day, I remain the main character of my life and I now have real friends; who would never think of me as a means to an end.

I was prepared to put in effort in becoming someone strong enough to say no.

I was not prepared for the people who would leave me once they realized I wasn’t going to let them walk all over me anymore. Sure, people will tell you that you’re bound to lose a few friends along the way to becoming who you are, but they never tell you how much it hurts. I think that there’s this notion that the peace you find once you stand up for yourself will overshadow the hurt you’ll feel when you find out a friendship was one-sided, and it’s a great notion. It’s just not true.

I was not prepared to stop being a pushover.

I wasn’t ready. I was not ready to learn that I had friendships that were only friendships so long as I gave more than I received. There’s this idea that getting rid of toxic relationships is the cure-all for your unhappiness, but no one tells you that it’s going to hurt like a bitch. One day, you are surrounded by people who call you by name and refer to you as ‘friend’ and then suddenly, no one is responding to your text messages.

To the people who decided that our friendship was only worth it so long as I remained a pushover, fuck you. I know that I should be mature and tell you that I forgive you, but I don’t. One day I’m sure I will, but you don’t know how hard you made it for me to be myself. While I was struggling to figure out who I wanted to be, you made me feel guilty for valuing my own happiness over your convenience. You were never a friend to me and despite how hurt I was once I realized this, I’m glad I did.

I’m happy that you hurt me because if you hadn’t I would have never realized that I had people in my life that would love me regardless of whether I made their lives easier or not.

To the people who still struggle with giving more than they receive, you are going to get hurt. I tell you this, not to scare you, but to make sure you know what's coming. You are going to get hurt, but you are also going to meet the people that truly care for you.

You will make friends that value your happiness as much as they value their own, and that's what makes all of the hurt worth it.