I thought that I was in love with you. I convinced myself that I was in love with you. But the truth is that I was never in love with you.
In the generation we are living in today, where everything is so easily accessible, the meaning of true love can get lost in translation. Or at least that's what happened for me. I thought that doing things, buying things, and being there for whatever meant that you were in love with someone.
Don't get me wrong, I cared a lot about you and I still do. I just wasn't and am not in love with you.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
One night I was in my bed trying to sleep but I couldn't because I was thinking about our past. I was thinking about everything that happened and everything that I wished had happened. I was thinking about it in such detail and so intensely that I decided to write down everything that I was thinking. Eight pages later (single spaced) I had written out our entire story, past to present.
It was the easiest story I had ever written.
When I reached the end, I deleted it. I realized that after 3 years of thinking I was in love with you, I wasn't. I did so much for you, probably too much when I look back. I invested my time and emotional energy into you and this relationship that I wanted so badly to work, but my effort was never reciprocated.
When feelings and effort aren't reciprocated, at all, the best way to "love" that person is to walk away. That's what I should have done with you and I am so sorry that I didn't. Not only for my sake but for yours as well.
I wasn't patient, I wasn't kind, I was envious, I was proud, I was self-seeking, I was easily angered, I kept a record of wrongs, I didn't always protect, I didn't always trust, I didn't always hope and I didn't always persevere.
I failed.
That's how I know I wasn't in love with you, and I know you weren't in love with me either.
