Every so often I force myself to sit down and assess where I am currently at in life. And it's that time again, folks. Lately I have felt so completely unlike myself. And when I was trying to figure out why I am feeling so off kilter, it all pointed back to one relationship. I'm writing this to that boy.

I have been spending the last 9 months of my life trying to be something that you will love. I have altered myself in every way imaginable; I have tried every strategy I know. Nothing is working. Why am I still chasing after you? When I'm not around you, it's so easy to see my worth. I know exactly who I am and everything I have to offer. But when I go back to college I am this silly, shallow thing completely ignoring my values to try and please you. I keep hoping that maybe you will change, that maybe you will just wake up and suddenly want me. I honestly don't know why it still shocks me when you treat me horribly. Maybe it's because I could never, ever treat you that way. I still wouldn't, even after everything. I am just emotionally wrung out. I'm tired of listening to depressing music and absolutely hating myself!!! It's time to put away all the Taylor Swift. I can't distinguish anymore between if I actually care for you or if it's just the fact that I want something I know I can't have.

I'll forever use this relationship as a model of all the things in life that I don't want. That is forever what you will be in my mind. It's time to be finished with making excuses for someone who doesn't deserve them. Making those excuses makes you seem less horrible than what you are, and the fact of the matter is you're always going to be horrible. I've accepted that I'm not the girl for you, and that's finally okay with me. It doesn't make me less important just because I'm not important to you. Acceptance is the first step to moving on. I'm the queen of giving second chances, but this is my official ceasing of chances; I have nothing left to give you, and you have absolutely nothing to offer me.