It’s inevitable that we will date someone who is undeniably horrible while navigating life. Even the hardiest of people have dealt with some crazy situations, and while eventually, we all figure it out and realize what a disarray we are in, we have to go through the growing pains of the “not good enough” relationship.

This isn’t just any bad relationship. This is the relationship that makes you question your life—like literally question if free will exists, or if this whole life deal is just capital S, Someone’s cosmic joke. Personally, I took the dive recently. Through the process of coping with my own stress and a guy that had no love for me, I learned a lot.

First of all, there’s no such thing as not being good enough. I could never wrap my head around this throughout my own relationship. Because here’s the thing: the person making you feel this way has low self-esteem and honestly wants you to go straight down with them. I know, I know, it’s so cliché. But it is so incredibly true.

I know that through my own experience, I only wanted to please my significant other because I felt alone all of the time. I felt isolated from my family and friends. I felt like I would never be better than him, regardless of the effort I put into the relationship. I could never figure out how to let go, because I was constantly being drawn back in.

It didn’t matter how many times I begged him to stop his negative behavior, or to talk to someone, or tried studying with him, encouraged him to try to be involved in school, or cried over him self-sabotaging. It didn’t matter that I stood up for him, helped him when nobody else would. It didn’t matter that I constantly took care of his needs before mine or made sure he was healthy, because of how poorly he treated his body. Nothing mattered more than him. I could just never measure up.

I was completely destroyed, unable to love myself anymore, because I felt like my only source of esteem didn’t think I was worth anything. But I figured out that honestly, I didn’t need his love. I didn’t need his approval, his charm, his smile, his gifts—not any of it. I didn’t need someone calling me at two am, belligerent. I didn’t need someone who didn’t care that he slept around, who thought that I wasn’t worth commitment.

I decided that I am worthy of myself. Because I know that I’m smart, that I’m driven, and passionate. I know I care a lot about others and that shouldn’t have to be taken advantage of, because it’s a great trait. I’m sarcastic, and nerdy, and I want to give people the best I have. Finally, I decided to leave behind that girl with the broken attitude and darkness around her and the self-esteem issues, because honestly what was the point of staying heartbroken for a complete bonehead?

I wasn’t good enough for him, and that’s fine. Because I’m good enough for me. I’m good enough to go to Law school, I’m good enough to travel, to run, to have healthy relationships, to go to church, to love others. I’m good enough to love someone who is funny, and smart, who’s cute and dedicated to their life, but also committed to me. I know that deserve only the absolute best from others.

So, if you’re stuck in a relationship that makes you question every single thing that you do, that has driven your family away, that had made your friends questioned you often, don’t be afraid to break away. I know that it’s difficult, and heartbreaking. I know how much effort you’ve put into loving someone. And that’s okay, because I promise you’ll be able to love someone else with more grace in the future, and it will be completely pure.