The first time I ever felt God’s presence I was about 12 years old. I was at church camp with my best friend at the time and earlier that day, we had gotten into a little bit of trouble. We snuck off behind our cabin being stupid children. Our counselor was my hero. I loved her so much. I felt so bad disobeying her but I continued to do it anyway. When she got onto us, I was so embarrassed. When someone you love is disappointed in you, it is probably the worst feeling in the world. My friend and I had gotten into a huge fight that day, too, and we were being very mean to each other. The whole thing was just terrible. Going to service that night with all of these heavy feelings on my heart, I had no idea what was going to happen. I don’t remember taking anything seriously this entire week. I wasn’t really listening or paying attention. But this night, I did. Worship began and the song, “Hosanna” started playing. I knew that God was not happy with me because of the rules I had broken and how I treated my friend. Immediately, I was overcome with tears. I felt like someone knocked the breath out of me. I had chills and I was sobbing profusely. I closed my eyes and cried and sang. I held my hands up in worship for the first time. I was instantly remorseful for everything. When the preacher asked if any of us wanted to be saved, I walked to the back and got saved for the second time in my life that night. I knew that nothing else could have given me these feelings and empowerment other than God Himself. I cried to my counselor and apologized to her and found forgiveness. I truly found forgiveness for the first time I can remember. She forgave me, God forgave me, and my friend and I forgave each other. That is a moment that I will never forget.

Speed up seven years. Life had continued for me since that night at church camp. I was 19 years old and boy was I living it up in college. What I didn’t know came with being young, wild and free was disrespectful, belligerent and careless. I was a completely different person than what I ever was in high school. I was out drinking all the time, coming home at four in the morning, throwing myself into a dark world that I never imagined would become my lifestyle. I made some memories and I had some fun, but I believe there comes a point in someone’s life when you have to know when to stop. It had become too much for me. I made lots of mistakes and made little efforts of repenting. Not because I didn't care, but because I didn't think I was deserving of His forgiveness anymore. I pretended like I had a life with God, but I knew the truth. I knew I wasn’t doing the right things, but I had to hit rock bottom before I realized it was time for me to stop being so juvenile and change my life. I was taking everyday for granted and all the people around me.

I began to suffer from paranoia, depression and anxiety. It was a very dark time. There were many restless nights and even more tears. I felt so alone. I had nobody to talk to and no one that could help me. Nothing was making it any better. It would go away for a while and then hit me again like a big yellow school bus. I wanted to put it all behind me but I couldn’t. I wanted to fix it all by myself but I couldn’t. This darkness that I was in and that I was suffering from was eating me alive. I dealt with self loathing and no self worth. I was ready to pack a bag and never look back. For an entire year, things kept getting worse. I did pray and I did try and talk to God, but it wasn’t enough for Him. He wanted more. He needed all of me and I was only giving Him a little. I knew that if I did not reach out and grab the only option I had left, I was going to hurt the people around me.

I contacted one of my good friends who was attending some young adult church services. I started going with her every week and the more I was there, the easier it was to breathe. I was really freaked out at first because it was like our pastor knew exactly what I was going through because every single sermon was relevant to what was happening in my life. I was around other people who craved the spirit of The Lord and that is exactly where I needed to be. I remember the next time I experienced God’s presence. We had a guest speaker one of the first evenings I attended. As aforementioned, every single sermon seemed like it was directed right at me. This time I felt God was during his sermon. The pastor was the only one speaking so it was pretty silent and if you were to look over at my row, you would have found me sobbing uncontrollably in my seat. Sobbing. He was focusing on forgiveness, on letting go, pretty much any and everything I needed to hear. That we needed to give everything to God because He was strong enough to take it. That our past is our past and we needed to make room for the future. I sobbed during the entire sermon and I sobbed during the entire worship session. I felt my breath leave me again. I felt a physical weight being lifted off my shoulders. I had my hands raised as high as I could during the song, “No Longer Slaves.” He was right there next to me, holding me, touching me. After everything I had gone through and all of the pain I was in, there was nothing else that could explain this instant feeling of relief. All my fears and everything I was scared of was gone. The only explanation of the light I finally began to see was Jesus. I got down on my knees at the altar and begged for forgiveness. I cried for it. I wanted Him to forgive me so I could stop hating myself and ultimately forgive myself. I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted so bad to feel worthy of His forgiveness again.

I witnessed the grace of God. I know what it feels like to literally have the breath knocked out of you by the Holy Spirit. It’s overbearing. It’s powerful. It’s blissful and sweet and I knew both of those times that He spoke to me, I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay. I was drowning in the dark and Jesus stuck his hand out and I chose to let Him lift me out and into the light. He pulled me out. He broke my chains. He rescued me.

It’s been over a year now that I have been rescued by Jesus. My life has turned around and into something I never could have pictured for myself back then. I pray for anyone reading this suffering from the same things I was or you’re stuck in a dark place thinking you’re all alone, I pray that you grab Jesus’ hand when He extends it out to you. I promise He will save you.

I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.