Two.

I was in two toxic relationships and I feel like it's my fault.

It's my fault I didn't get out sooner. It's my fault that I didn't listen to people. It's my fault I kept forgiving them. It's my fault they did hurtful things to me in the first place.

I felt judged.

Judged by my family. Judged by some of my best friends. Judged by anyone who walked past us when I was crying and couldn't look anyone in the eyes.

Let me explain:

These two relationships were physically and emotionally abusive. They left me scared, hurting, unstable and self-conscious. Okay, back track.

Both of these relationships started out beautifully. I was so happy. For the sake of this article I'm going to name these guys V and X.

So V and I's relationship was good for a while. I thought that he would be my forever home. He was a great guy but it was just really the wrong time to date him. I felt like it was my fault. We dated for so long and he never got to actually be a guy and date a lot of other people in HS. What traits we once adored in each other soon turned into fights. Normally these fights we brushed off, said I love you and went to bed. Soon towards the end of the relationship we had gotten into fights that would last days. Then my friends broke the news to me that he had cheated on me and lied to me about it for almost a year. I was heartbroken. The person I thought was the love of my life had hurt me in the one way he promised that he wouldn't. I thought it was my fault. He cheated on me because I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough. There were smarter, thinner, better girls out there. I wasn't good enough.

Not too long after that we had gotten back together. After dating for so many years, it felt wrong to think of me being with anyone else that wasn't him. I thought that this time would be the one. The red flag should have gone up when the only reason we were dating was because he chose between me and a girl he had already been talking to. He played the both of us, and lied about us to each other. (Fun fact: the girl is in a very happy relationship now, and we actually became friends.) V was very secretive. The lying and cheating didn't stop. This was his second chance. I kept forgiving him and thinking he would change. The next red flag came up when I was at his house and confronted him about talking to another girl and saying rude things about me that should never be said to anyone. He thought that I "had people watching" him and his every move. I was upset. I put on my shoes and began to walk home. He had grabbed my arm and brought me back. It was rough enough to leave a mark which I would get asked about in school the next day. Red flag. He took me home and honestly told my mother what had happened. She told me enough was enough and I didn't need to be in the relationship.

I didn't date after that. Then I started college. V was my best friend. We got back together even after the countless times my best friends had told me he wasn't good for me. I thought "we're in college, he's bound to change." Wrong. I was completely wrong. This time the relationship had lasted a couple months. I was hurt. It ended because we just weren't happy. What made me unhappy was when he ended it with "at least this time I didn't cheat on you." Another lie. The lies kept coming back to haunt me which would lead into the many trust issues I had with others. The cheating and lying would not stop, but us dating did.

Then X came into the picture and fooled us all. I was blown away by his charm and chivalry. We all thought this was it, but it wasn't. This relationship would only send me into a downward spiral. It was very emotionally abusive. Manipulating. I would spend hours crying to my best friend and my mom. We were all in shock of the things he had said to me, the way he talked to me and then the way he played it off to everyone else. To go as far as to say "God doesn't love you, your parents don't love you. Only I do." Red flag. X was the ultimate red flag relationship. But I stayed. He had told me, "I come first always, not your other friends." My friends, that I had known for over 10 years, vs a guy I hadn't even dated for a month? There was no way. I was in disbelief. He had body shamed me. Red flag. Told me not to wear certain clothes or to cut my hair because it would look ugly and he wouldn't date me. Red flag. He told me to lose weight. Red flag. He told me I wasn't good enough. He would get mad and say "that guy is hotter then me, I hope you have fun with him." when I would hang out with any guy friends. He would call me in college, when I was with my best friend, when I was in the middle of class because he thought I was with other guys. Red flag. Red flag. Red.

I left, for the safety of myself and my mental state. He hurt me emotionally and mentally. Was I not good enough? Should I have changed? It was my fault.

I didn't get out sooner. I didn't listen to people who had warned me. It was all me.

Two toxic relationships hurt me. It took about 2 and a half years until I knocked some sense into myself. I am fine. I am me. I will not change for anyone. I was just in bad relationships. I learned who I am. I learned the amount of strength I have. I have learned to spot red flags in my friends relationships. I finally let go and am doing my own thing and I could not be happier. I am in a perfectly healthy relationship now with someone who makes me smile and laugh effortlessly.

The transformation is incredible. To go from crying every day because I was unhappy- to crying from laughing so hard. From fake smiling to fool my friends, to my friends saying they see that difference in me. From being body shamed, to finally feeling comfortable in my own body. From someone preventing me from doing my work and studying, to someone who makes sure my education comes first, and encourages me and is my #1 motivator/fan through this.

A lot of people ask if I could, would I go back and get out of those relationships. I hate to say it but the answer is no. They shaped me into who I am. They opened my eyes to what I deserve, and what's not okay. It may have taken a while but I realized I am my own person and I am not controlled or defined by a guy. I am incredibly blessed to have the friends I do because they helped me through all of it.

I was in two toxic relationships, and I changed for the better.