Amongst sappy Instagram posts and farewell Snapchat stories to dorm rooms and college campus from many of my friends, I beamed when my dad pulled up to my residence hall to help me move out. I had already packed up most of my belongings and organized the boxes and bags containing my life by size in order to facilitate the loading of everything into the trunk of the car. I eagerly took several trips up and down the stairs of my building, more than ready to remove every trace that I had ever lived in Katharine Hall Room 336. I wasn’t happy because I hated my building or didn’t get along with my roommates. I was happy because I wanted to be home, but more importantly I wanted to be off campus.
Despite my smooth transition to life away from home, I never felt like my chosen university was where I should be. I joined clubs and got involved in activities, kept up with my schoolwork, and had somewhat of a social life. I tried to live college the way it’s portrayed in movies and TV, so that in my forties and fifties I could tell my children that college was “the best days of my life”. I felt disconnected from the community that is highly boasted by students and administrators alike, feeling accepted due to the way I identify, but not included. My mental health took a massive toll throughout this year, and conversations with friends from home as well as friends from school only further solidified my internal understanding that I am meant to be somewhere else. By the end of this year, I was so ready to go home and surround myself with the things and people that make me who I am. I excitedly made plans to see friends and even work, because I knew that regardless of what I’m doing when I’m home, I will start to feel like myself again.
Sophomore year, I’ve heard, is a totally different story. Things will be different, I’ve been promised. Honestly, I hope they are. I want to make the connections that keep me happy on campus. I want to make the friends that will change my life. I want to acquire the skills that will allow me to change the lives of others. I still don’t know if my chosen university is where I’m supposed to be, but I know that it’s where I am. I get to decide how I react to the inevitable good and bad things that will happen while I’m at school, but soon I hope that regardless of what’s happening, I can be happy at school.
