At its core, I believe conflict is simply the dissonance that is experienced when our expectation for what should be happening is different from what is actually happening. Conflict becomes an action when we seek to correct what is actually happening to what we desire to be happening. For example, waking up to an alarm clock after getting little sleep creates conflict when there is simultaneously a desire to hit the snooze button and the reality of needing to get up for work. Or when a couple arguing over housework- there are two different understandings about who is doing the chores and without one mutual understanding- neither expectation is being met.
Every conflict can be simplified into expectations and desires being different than the reality of the present moment. This is how I interpret the Buddhist principle that desire is the root of all suffering. I believe that desire inevitably becomes the form of conflict that is suffering because we have little control over what happens to us, making what we want to happen uncertain.
Desire isn't always bad or unwarranted and to give it up entirely would be impossible. We probably desire to be fed, to have warmth, to be treated respectfully; being necessary for survival and well-being, conflict is certainly justified a lot of the time. Since I cannot control all of the conflict that will come into my life, I find it reassuring to know that with practice I can ease some of the suffering from it through conquering certain desires.
What has helped me personally is to try and accept the present moment unconditionally. I try not to dwell on what I want in that moment, instead, I focus on what I can do with that moment. Like when I'm at work and a customer walks in two minutes before we close — instead of internally disparaging and resenting them over how much this will delay me getting home, I focus on what I now need to do in order to get home on time. I basically always try to be the opposite of Larry David by not fixating on small problems that arise in my life.
Another way that I use this mindset to my advantage is when I am in conflict with someone else. With this, I also incorporate understanding which I believe to mean accepting new information that is at odds with one's personal perspective and experience; such as a white person being able to accept that institutionalized racism exists, even though it cannot be experienced by them. So I view my conflict with others as a lack of understanding, resulting in my and their desires not being met. I don't try to be right when I fight — I instead try to be understood and try to understand the other person.
The interpretation of right and wrong is subjective, often making it useless- what's useful, however, is both parties trying to have an understanding so that the present can become mutually agreeable. That is where peace is found, not in right or wrong, but by complete understanding and acceptance.
