There’s something comforting about the darkness.
This is one of the things that people who have never experienced depression tend to not understand.
They wonder why we always seem to relapse.
They wonder why we can’t just be happy.
They wonder why we can’t be normal.
What they don’t understand is: we wonder the same thing.
The sadness that overwhelms and suffocates us is also a familiar friend. The whispers of self-doubt and hatred are far easier to believe than the positive light trying to break through. The tears that we cry and the weight on our chests become comforting, because that is what we know.
We know the shadows by name and we dance with the thoughts of razors. We’re blind to the smiles and are accustomed to the disappointed and judging looks thrown at us by others.
Recovery is change, and change is terrifying.
It’s far easier to let the dark blanket over us and ignore the world as if life doesn’t continue on, even if we don’t want to.
Recovery is a war.
It’s fighting thoughts of hate, self-loathing, and despair constantly every day. It’s trying to smile and let everyone know you’re okay even when you’re dying on the inside and just want it all to go away. It’s screaming at yourself because WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL?
I just want to be happy like everyone else. I don’t want to be tired every second of every day. I don’t want to make excuses for when I can’t seem to make it out of my room. I don’t want to struggle with thoughts of pulling the steering wheel as I’m on my way to work. I don’t want to imagine tearing apart my razor just so I can release my pain.
I don’t want this life I live.
And yet I still try.
I still wake up every morning, pull my hair up into a sloppy bun, and drag myself to class.
I stay in my lane, go the speed limit, and follow the rules of traffic, even though I’d rather drive into a wall.
I still smile and laugh, play sports, and hang out with my friends.
I still go to therapy because maybe, just maybe, I’ll discover a cure while I’m there.
This is what people don’t understand about depression.
About the people who have it.
We are in a battle, not just with depression, but with ourselves.
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, there is help! Call: 1-800-273-8255