Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to run away. I don't know why, but the thought of leaving everyone behind and traveling someplace far away has been something I've thought about doing. I've never actually had the guts to, because I know logically it doesn't make any sense and would be super dangerous. I love my family, friends, and boyfriend... I just, sometimes feel overwhelmed.
I feel overwhelmed to a point where sometimes the only option in my mind is to run away. Perhaps that's the fight or flight response kicking in, or my anxiety hits these points to where it seems unbearable. I notice I tend to run away from a lot of things in life. I tried running away from my first kiss. I ran away from toxic friends. I ran away when my first boyfriend told me he loved me. I ran away when I was sexually harassed and humiliated in front of the whole school. I ran and wanted to keep running.
I bet you I could run and run for hours if I didn't have asthma. I could run from the world, I could run from my feelings, I could run from disappointment. Maybe I could even run from death himself. The reality is that I do have asthma, literally and metaphorically I cannot run the way I wish I could.
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I picture myself running away to be a very glamorous affair. I'd have a scarf over my head, a nice trench coat, and large Audrey-inspired sunglasses to cover my face. I'd be Donna from Mamma Mia, leaving behind her life to meet very attractive men in Greece and start her own business. I'd be nothing but a whisper in the wind, and people would mourn the person they thought they knew. I'd be free from the pressure of having so many people depend on me. I heard once that we dislike certain behaviors people express because we don't like that part of ourselves. I hate when people are needy and clingy, so does that mean I have those qualities? I'd say that I have periods of time where I crave attention and sometimes I just want some space.
Perhaps we are all craving a little bit of space. This fight or flight response is simply our body reacting to a situation that seems dangerous. What does that mean if we aren't in danger? The world is so crazy and overwhelming with our increased technology and social spheres. We could talk to anyone at almost any time with cellphones and the internet. We aren't necessarily in danger, we are just stressing ourselves out to a point to where it feels as though we are.
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I don't have all the answers for having these feelings, but I do know that they are necessary and valid. Wanting space from time to time isn't selfish, it's important to your own mental health, and probably benefits the ones you love as well. Wanting to run away isn't necessarily about running from your world, it's about recharging yourself to conquer it the next day.
