This past year has pulled me into a whirlwind of different emotions ranging from the ultimate highs of highs to the wallowing lows of lows.

So much changed within a short amount of time that I never really had the opportunity to grieve. I know that it sounds a tad dramatic to use the term “grieve,” but when something happens that you are not prepared for I feel like that kind of gives you the right to grieve.

I may not have lost close family members or friends or had a traumatic experience happen to me, but I have lost and gained a lot of who I am because of what I’ve experienced.

Thoughts always come to my head of what I could have done:

• I shouldn’t have let my wall get in the way.
• I shouldn’t have said what I said.
• I shouldn’t have held people to such high standards or such low ones.
• I shouldn’t have portrayed rejection, vulnerability, or an ounce of caring.
• I shouldn’t have lied to myself.
• I shouldn’t have done things out of spite or as a way to please those around me.
• I should have done better to be a better person.
• I should have been there more, listened more, loved more, cared more, been more empathetic or sympathetic.
• I should have been someone more or something more.

The question I have been asking a lot is, “What is wrong with me?”

I continually ask and ask and ask myself and even those around me what my problem is and the typical response is that nothing is wrong with me.

Then why do I feel the way I do? Why am I put into this static position?

This is not the person I am nor is it even close to the person I want to be.

So the question now is who do I want to be?

• I want to be the person who is always there for people.
• I want to be kind and spread kindness whenever I can.
• I want to have courage to bring myself up and put myself out there.
• I want to have faith in God and His plan for me.
• I want to believe that there is goodness in this world and that there are good people who are supportive, loving, and care.
• I want to believe in myself and who I am and what I stand for and to not care about the opinions of others.
• I want to be freed from the social expectations and stigmas.
• I want to break negative perceptions.
• I want to love and be loved.

There is so much to this life and while it sucks at the moment; I know that with a little more time, I will get through it. Everything happens for a reason and one day I will understand why. But for now, I’ll just keep moving forward and take on any obstacle that comes my way because my life is worth it.

So what about you? Who do you want to be?