My relationship of almost two years has been a beautiful whirlwind of spontaneous adventure, passion, and growth. My boyfriend and I spent months (previous to the relationship) becoming friends over our shared interest in music, binge drinking, wandering, and adventure. Inevitably, this led to us falling in love by the time we started dating. The exciting period of experiencing new things together was incredible. Even as those experiences have turned into comfortable nights cuddled up together, things have developed in a way that has changed us both and made us understand how to care about someone else's happiness so much that it becomes in sync with your own. Add in stress of him dropping out of college to pursue his dreams of music, bills, full-time job, exhaustion and whatever else is in there and any request of mine to spend time together leads to a full-blown aneurism. I know that he wants to continue to be my boyfriend and he makes beautiful promises to me and thanks me for my patience and understanding. But I cannot remember the last time one of the promises came true and my sleep-deprived eyes can't seem to anticipate the disappointment anymore and not enough wine and adderall in the world can keep me from feeling hurt. The other night, after another failed attempt at re-sparking the passion, I laid next to him staring at the ceiling lost in my own thoughts. And even though it would stress him out too much to hear this and I would suddenly become the bad guy, I am hoping to feel some sort of relief from posting this letter/poem. 

Baby you don’t want me now

maybe we don’t end up together 

I still love you I still want you 

But I’m so tired of putting forth all the effort and you still being too consumed with your life to even talk to me

Touch me 

Love me 

You can share your burden but now you share defensiveness and blame me for your reality

I have done nothing but help you 

I cannot say the same for you

Every beautiful lie you tell me doesn’t start out that way. You mean it when you say it and I can feel that and I fall for it every time 

But I am so tired of feeling disappointed

unwanted 

I am so tired of being a prop in your life that you can pick up when you want or store away 

You are a person you have dreams you have needs you have wants 

I am a person I have dreams I have needs I have wants 

I have love and understanding  

you pretend not to know how well I understand you because it is easier to blame me. 

Blame the crazy girlfriend with unrealistic expectations.

I have no expectations

You plant them with your words and promises and I get blamed for wishing them to be true. 

I still want to be in love with you 

There has never been a more fun time in my life than being love with you 

But do we inevitably end up apart? 

Can we rewrite what is “supposed to happen”? 

Maybe if it’s what we both want but I can’t want you into loving me 

Maybe I’ll just have to accept these feelings