Do I not deserve someone to treat me like i'm special? Do I not deserve someone to be in love with me? I know i'm not the prettiest, or the skinniest, or the funniest person out there. I don't look good without makeup on. I am not skinny. My depression has caused me to not be as outgoing as I once was. But do I not deserve love? Do only the pretty, skinny, and happy people deserve love?
It would hurt less if you finally admitted that you don't love me. It hurts so much to doubt myself and to cry all day because I feel so unloved. Why do I stay if I don't feel loved? Because i'm hoping that one day you'll change. I pray to god at night hoping that you'll change because you actually do love me. I pray to god that i'll be able to feel worthy.
I do compare our relationship to others but that is only because I want to be looked at like i'm special, I want to be shown off to the world, because although I might not be the prettiest or the skinniest, you love me for who I am. I want to be taken out on a date for once. I want you to kiss me in public, hold my hand, and hug me just because you want to. I hate that I constantly have to remind you and constantly have to beg you. I feel so ashamed and stupid to be constantly begging you. I want you to post pictures of me, just like you post of your video games, because just like you're proud to win, you're proud to have me. I want you to be excited to see me. I want you to miss me when you’re away from me and tell me how much you missed me. I want you to randomly tell me you love me. I want you to want to be with me all the time.
I stay in this relationship because after crying for hours and hours, I beg for you to tell me you love me, you do, we have sex, and I feel like maybe you do love me. Even though i'm the one who has to ask to be told all of those things, just the fact that you say them, pulls me back in. I just wish and pray to god that you would tell me you don't love me. I want you tell me that you are ashamed of me. I want you tell me that i'm not attractive enough to love in public. I want you to tell me that you don't care about my feelings. I want you to stop lying to me. I want to be told that i'm nothing to you. Because when I finally hear those words, i'll be free. I won't have to be anxious and have this uncertainty, i'll finally know. It will hurt that you don't love me and that everything was a lie, but it hurts more to stay. I'm not strong, I'm insecure, I'm always emotional.
Do you ever think about how much you really hurt me? You know all of my secrets, every single one of my feelings, all of the reasons for my depression, and everything that i'm scared about on a daily basis. You know exactly how I feel inside, and you treating me like this makes it so much worse. Last night when I cried for hours and hours, did it not hurt you? Did it not hurt you to hear me scream and break down? Did it not hurt you to hear my voice shake because I was so scared to talk to you? We were best friends before we started dating. Best friends. Does it not hurt you that you're hurting your best friend? You're the person who I do everything with, want by my side at all times, have all of these memories with, I couldn't imagine hurting you.
When will someone ever love me fully? Will anyone ever love me? How much weight do I have to lose? How much makeup do I need to wear? How silent and unemotional do I need to be?
