thetango.net Save money, cringe more. The aforementioned phrase should become Walmart's new slogan. Having shopped in this store more times than I can count, I have amassed an interesting array of knowledge pertaining to the clientele. These so called "Walmartians" are quite the spectacle to behold during your weekly shopping trip, and it is advised that you avoid them at all costs.
The Screamers
This category applies to the large infantile population. While you rattle your cart down the aisles, your ears are scalded by the wailing cacophony of cranky children. Their tantrums are notorious in the toy aisle where their overly eager hands have grasped what they simply cannot have. Their screams, however, are most infamous at the checkout line. Having finally escaped the consumerism trap and having finally found the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, you are suddenly thrown into a new kind of purgatory. Brightly colored candies glisten with temptation, and denial causes kicking and screaming. The parents begin with apathetic shushing, climax at strict finger wagging, and eventually lapse into mortified silence as the tempest grows in power. There have been no definitive records of the vocal capacity of a toddler in the store, but one may assume that the radius of screams easily reaches sixty feet.
The Wearers of Pajamas
It is a bright and cheery autumn afternoon, and yet you have the sinking feeling that the day has nearly drawn to a close. Why is this? The answer lies in the ever-popular garment, pajamas. Although shopping is by no means a formal occasion, shoppers' clothes have become more and more slovenly. Slippers have playfully made their appearances in the midst of a weekday afternoon, and pajama bottoms frequently are worn from dawn until dusk. I eagerly await the day when women will simply roll out of bed in their curlers and face masks to join the ranks of Walmart shoppers.
Avert your eyes, and run away when you see this frightening lot. Requirements for this breed include but are not limited too: incredibly tight leggings that might possibly cut off circulation, crop tops that are more crop than they are top, shorts that are too short to be classified as clothing, hair colors that cannot be replicated in the already bright Skittles spectrum, and high heels that are measured in feet instead of inches. Massive tattoos, fangs, and gauges larger than a quarter are also included in this category.
The Unapologetically Clumsy Folk
A handbag violently shoves a detergent bottle into the aisle, and it flows in a sticky blue lake. The culprit swears and scurries away. Motorized wheelchairs ram displays and knock over the merchandise, which is promptly run over. Frantic fingers knock clothing from the racks. The clothes remain in a defeated pile on the floor. These are a few of the well-documented examples of this dramatic group.
The Apocalypse Preparers
These shoppers are the must elusive, but the shocking evidence they leave behind can easily document them. Staples like bread, milk, potato chips, and toilet paper are pillaged and plundered, and left in a sorely vanquished state. These items always seem to be taken whenever you desperately need them. If you are interested in observing this breed for yourself, strategically position yourself next to the snowmelt. As the clouds gather, they will mutter about the oncoming storm and claim, "It'll be three feet for sure. It's the worst I've seen in twenty years."
The Family Feuding Folk
For some odd reason, this group believes that their domestic disputes should be displayed in public view. Husbands and wives battle over petty issues next to the produce. Teenagers rebelliously disrespect their parents next to the paperbacks. Mothers curse and yell at their misbehaving children. Phone conversations with spouses are littered with angered expletives. As interesting as this drama gets, this group's problems will quickly get under your skin.
