Dating is a beautiful thing. Getting to know someone on that kind of emotional level is simply amazing. Finding out their favorite color, what makes them tick, who their childhood best friend was is an exhilarating experience.
But, it’s beautiful until it isn’t.
What once seemed like harmless overprotectiveness has turned into you not having any friends. You needing to ask permission to wear certain things. You being forced home early on the rare occasions you do go out.
I’ve seen posts on social media saying things like, “If my boyfriend says no, then it’s a no,” and, “It’s not a control thing, it’s a respect thing.”
No, honey, it really is a control thing.
Your significant other is NOT, by any means, supposed to dictate whom you hang out with, what you wear, where you go, when you go and who you go with. There is an extremely fine line between respecting their wishes and flat out control.
And let me tell you, it’s hard as hell to see the difference.
As someone who was in an extremely controlling relationship and left I can tell you that almost 100 percent of the time, for as long as you are in that relationship, you are not going to recognize the controlling behavior.
I denied it for months. I called it everything under the sun except controlling. Protective, worried, caring, possessive. You name it, I used it as an excuse. I didn’t want to believe that my best friend had complete control over everything I did.
I finally realized it when I asked his permission, which I shouldn’t have been doing in the first place, if I could go with my roommate to her boyfriend’s so we could all go to the beach.
He freaked out.
Said I was going to do whatever I wanted anyway, that I never took what he had to say into consideration.
I asked a simple question that wound up ending my two-year relationship.
No matter how much you deny what they are doing, there are behaviors that you need to recognize as controlling. The easiest one is needing their permission to go somewhere or do something. You should not be asking to go hang out with your friends.
They aren’t your mom or dad.
When you do ask to do something, they might throw a fit. They’ll scream, cry, bitch and make you feel guilty for not staying home to talk to them. While, yes, they are your world, your social life does not revolve around them.
You need time with your other friends.
Nor should they be telling you what you can and cannot wear. I understand that when us girls go out we like to dress up and usually that means in revealing clothing. But if we are in a relationship, we are not dressing up for other guys.
We are getting all dolled up for ourselves because it makes us feel good.
And when you tell them that, they won’t care. They will call you a whore, an attention seeker and a slut. This isn’t OK.
Something that always drove me insane was when he would go through my phone. He would take it out of my hands while I was scrolling Facebook and go through it.
I didn’t have anything to hide so it didn’t bother me all that much, but then he started logging onto my social media when we weren’t together.
I would go to get on Snapchat, and I would be logged out. He would then lie about it when I confronted him. “I trust you, why would I log onto your social media?”
I don’t know, maybe cause you’re controlling?
But what really got me was that I, under no circumstances, was allowed to even glance at his phone when it lit up, let alone go through it.
Ladies and gentlemen: If your significant other will go through your phone, but will not let you touch their phone, THEY ARE HIDING SOMETHING FROM YOU.
I don’t care what excuse they try to give you, trust me when I say they are hiding something from you. If they feel the need to go through your phone, but you can’t with theirs, it’s because they don’t trust you because of their own actions.
They are doing something they shouldn’t and turning it on you.
Of course, you and your significant other need to respect each other's wishes. And this is where the line gets blurred.
Everyone’s relationship is different, which blurs it even more. Some of the things that may seem like controlling behaviors are really just them being uncomfortable with something.
No matter what you need to take your significant other’s feelings and wishes into consideration.
If something makes them uncomfortable, listen to what they have to say and why. Make compromises. If they don’t like so and so and they have a good ass reason, then don’t hang out with them.
If what you’re wearing makes them uneasy, try something else on that you both like. If they have a question about someone they saw you texting, be honest and tell them who it was.
Relationships are about being treated as equals, not as a slave.
Work together, communicate, let them know if you don’t like something. Don’t be sneaky, and don’t make them feel like they're two inches tall. Be their equal.
