Recently I made a decision that was both extremely difficult and necessary. I walked away from someone who I really loved, and still love very much. Reasoning why, they just couldn’t or wouldn’t treat me the way I felt I deserved. I had done everything I could. I was there, I forgave everything, I justified everything, never thought I could just give up on him, until a few weeks ago. We had been pretty much on and off for around six or seven months, in terms of just being hot and cold with me. Wanting me, and then pushing me away. Talking to me and then just disappearing with no explanation as to why. We tried and failed, and I just grew tired of being thrown back and forth. He ended our relationship about two months ago, with a pretty vague explanation, and we have spoken very little since. We weren’t on bad terms (we were actually pretty cordial) or if anything, simply friends. It was still choppy though; he would talk to me and then disappear.
It took me a month or so after to actually make the decision, and it wasn’t planned. I didn’t sit for days planning, so it was really just one day I decided that I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore, and I just needed to cut that person out. Again, I don’t usually do this nor have I ever done this before with someone. I cut off all social media, I unfriended and unfollowed him on EVERYTHING, and then deleted his number so I wouldn’t be tempted to call or text him. I did unfollow him on Instagram, but he still followed me, and I let that be for a little bit because I wanted to see if he would unfollow me. However, a week later, I decided to force him to unfollow me (which is just blocking him and then unblocking), because I figured that was just a trap to hurt myself, because if he did unfollow me that would just confirm that he actually didn’t want anything to do with me, and the point of this was to suffer less, so I decided ignorance was bliss.
As of Now-
It’s been almost two weeks, and it’s been hard. Not seeing his posts, not knowing what’s going on, and wondering if he’s even noticed is killing me. Anyone who I’ve shared this with knows that this isn’t easy for me. Let me be clear, I DID NOT AND STILL DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS (at least that’s how I feel now). However, I do know that this is probably better for me in the long run. Just right now it’s really hard. I still cry a lot, I still miss that person, and I’ll try to update this eight weeks down the line, but as of now, THIS REALLY SUCKS.
The Hardest Part(s)
- 1. Trying to re-convince myself every day that this is what I need to do. I feel so regretful sometimes. Right now I just need to still constantly remind myself that I did this for a reason, which was to stop myself from constantly getting hurt by holding on so tightly.
- 2. Worrying about him. I know this should be about bettering myself, but I’m so used to worrying about him. Whether he’s okay, if he’s struggling with anything, always being there when he wanted or needed me. Now I’m not, and I need to worry about me now and whether I’m okay, if I’m struggling, being there for myself because I need to be now. So pretty much remembering that this is about me.
Do I Expect/Want To Hear From Him?
Yes and no. I don’t really know if I will or not. If anything, I’d like some time to really focus on myself and really start to rebuild and revamp myself as a person, or more importantly, a better person. After I make this journey, I don’t know. I might feel completely different after a while. He might forget about me and move on too. Only time will really tell. So I suppose it’s a “we’ll see."
What I Look Forward To On This Journey
- Seeing where I end up on the other side.
- Feeling confident again.
- Being the source of my own happiness.
- Finding myself
- Becoming who I’ve always wanted to be.
- Living for myself and only myself.
We’ll see what happens on the other side. Until then, I’m just trying to stick it out through this bumpy ride.
