When I was five years old, I couldn’t wait to start kindergarten. I was ready to be a “big kid” and go to school like my sister.
When I was in kindergarten, I couldn’t wait to start first grade. I was tired of being the littlest kid in school.
When I got to first grade, I couldn’t wait for 6th grade. I was tired of being a “little kid,” and I was ready to be one of the oldest kids in school.
When I was in 6th grade, I couldn’t wait for middle school. I was tired of elementary school. I was ready to change schools and meet new friends.
When I was in middle school, I couldn’t wait for high school. Middle school was so awkward, and I was so insecure. I was ready to start over at a new school.
When I was in high school, I couldn’t for college. I was tired of all the people at my school, the small town I grew up in, driving down the same roads to the same places every day. I was ready to move away from home and do my own thing. I was ready to start my education and live in a new town.
And now here I am. I miss my family and friends from home. I miss flying down those same roads I was sick of three years ago, windows down, wind blowing wildly in my little old car, carefree. And if I really think about it, in high school I missed those middle school days. Hardly any homework, and it was still cool to hang out with your family. And in middle school, I missed being a little kid. No one ever judged you, everyone was a friend, I was so imaginative, and I basically did whatever I wanted. Why was I in such a hurry to grow up?
At the same time, I look forward to graduation. Sometimes I feel very ready to move onto the next stage in my education and ready to start my life. Sometimes I feel I’m ready for a new place and new people. But, will I miss my college when I’m gone, the same way I miss people from back home? Will I look back to college, the same way I look back to high school now, and think, “I miss those carefree days”?
How is it possible that I am simultaneously longing for the past and readily looking towards the future? Sometimes I feel like I’m standing on this giant ruler, and the tick marks are the years of my life. I’m constantly turned around looking at the past, or staring off into the future.
When I (hopefully) go to medical school, will I miss my undergraduate days, or will I look forward to starting my career? When I start working every day, get my own home, and start my own family, will I miss my days in school, or will I look forward to retirement? When I’m retired, will I miss my working days, or will I be ready to die? In high school I worked hard to get into college. In college, I’m working hard to get into medical school. In medical school, I’ll work to secure a good job. In my job, I’ll work hard to retire comfortably.
I don’t want my life to just be work for comfortable retirement. I don’t want to spend my whole life “looking forward” to death. With each stage of my life, I’ve looked back on the previous stages as simpler times, or I’ve looked forward to better days in the future. Why can I never live in the moment? Why am I never happy where I am, right here, in this point in time? Sometimes I feel like Billy Pilgrim from "Slaughterhouse Five," time travelling like a Tralfamadorian to different ticks on that long, giant ruler I’m standing on. I want to live my life chronologically. I want to make a vow to myself to enjoy where I am now at each point in my life. I want to live in each moment. The past may have been full of good times, and it’s okay to look back on them fondly. The future will be full of good days and bad days, and it’s okay to feel excited for them. But today is a good day too, and right now is a good time, and I think I will start enjoying it a little bit more.
