It was the Wednesday night after Super Tuesday. I was sitting in a café reading a novel for one of my English classes. Just as I was about to enter the riveting world of Victorian crime, I was stopped by the group of young adults at the table next to mine discussing Donald Trump’s results from the previous night. I put down my book for a few minutes and considered the new candidate put forth by one of the café-goers as they exclaimed: “I would rather vote for a half-eaten sandwich than vote for Donald Trump…and I’m not even liberal.” Although a bit unorthodox, perhaps this sandwich for president idea does have some validity.
A sandwich would never let the American people down.
It is a constant source of pure, unadulterated happiness after the stress of a long day. Too tired to cook a meal? No problem, the sandwich has your back as a socially acceptable form of dinner that doesn’t require the stove, time, or even culinary talent.
A sandwich can serve as the ultimate source of inspiration for the creative mind.
Sure, peanut butter and jelly is always a great option, but there are so many sandwich possibilities. The combinations are endless. The sky is the limit. Just think of a future with the open-minded sandwich at the helm.
A sandwich is the ultimate source of American comfort.
Maybe the prospect of world peace is a bit far off, but we can instead feel secure with the loving presence of a sandwich. It’s like the adult security blanket. You just can’t feel too upset in the peaceful company of your sandwich.
A sandwich is the ultimate sign of understanding.
A sandwich always knows exactly who you are. Once someone knows your sandwich, what else is there to learn? Sandwiches bring people together. Sandwiches could bring this country together.
A sandwich president could avoid all international disputes arising from hangry officials.
There would always be a food source on hand to ease tensions caused by rumbling bellies. It would be like a perpetual deli diplomat to keep America on everybody’s good side.
A sandwich can serve as the ultimate peace offering if things do get out of hand.
The universality of the sandwich makes it the perfect emblem of union to disputing parties. There is nothing quite like bonding over the sharing of a sandwich to dissolve international and domestic tension.
A sandwich would easily be defended by all of the American people.
Their loyalty to such a president would be undisputed. This loyalty would transcend party lines. All of America would do whatever it would take to keep such a president safe.
Finally, no human president could ever make the American people as happy as this sandwich makes Clark Griswold.
Sandwiches are joy. Sandwiches are the essence of life. Sandwiches are the future of the American dream.
It is clear that perhaps the future of our country would best be served in the hands of the proposed "Half-Eaten Sandwich." I encourage you all to strongly consider this candidate as the most worthy of your vote for the 2016 Presidential Election.
