Videos On The Internet That Shouldn't Exist: "I Feel Fantastic"

Videos On The Internet That Shouldn't Exist: "I Feel Fantastic"

Plastic isn't always fantastic.
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As it may go without saying, the Internet can be a very strange, frightening, and sometimes confusingly erotic place. It takes only a cursory knowledge of online culture to understand the dangers of reckless late-night googling. At worst, you'll have the FBI busting down your front door and bursting in through your windows because of a careless typo you made while searching “sweet baby corn.” At slightly less worst, you'll incidentally stumble upon a video like “I Feel Fantastic” and wind up forever despising technology as a whole.

“I Feel Fantastic” was first uploaded to YouTube in April of 2009 by the user Creepyblog, and has since then made its presence known in virtually every horror community on the Web. Enthusiasts of such content may be tired of hearing about this particular nugget of damnation, but to those who've never heard of it, well, here's the big skinny.

The video stars a tall, dolled-up, blonde-wigged, rubber-faced android woman named Tara who's standing in a living room fitfully sized for a hobbit while tethered to the wall by an intestine of multicolored wires. Her body is plastic and rigid like a giant Stephen King Barbie doll, and she's wearing a homely sweater that gives off the unconvincing impression of personability. Seconds into watching the video, you may find your ears and perhaps, if your soul is especially tainted, other orifices inexplicably starting to bleed. If not, you're either blessed, deaf, or have your volume down too low. Tara sings the lyrics “I feel fantastic, hey, hey, hey” with the grace of a lobotomized Siri over the dying, sputtering groans of a 1980's Casio keyboard. Her lips part and shut ever so slightly in sync with her voice, and her head and arm twist and lift in a futile attempt to emulate life.

Around the one-minute mark, after asking you to "Please leave" and "Run, run, run, run," the video cuts to Tara assuming a 'lax' pose on the floor, now completely dressed in black. There's a hiatus in her singing, which should be a good thing, but isn't, because she's still on the screen, existing.

Then the shot flips upside down, and the carpet of the room is suddenly smothered in what looks like MS Paint snow.


Shortly afterward, the camera cuts to a large mass of leaves in what is presumably a backyard bordered by a woodland. The camera zooms in on the leaves, holds, then quickly zooms back out. Nothing terrifying; just a fun little clue for the police.

By the end of the video, the camera has cut back to the living room, where Tara, now again in her clothes from the beginning, has recommenced her solo piece for Satan, for whom she will continue to sing to for the rest of eternity.

Now, before you change your pants and go rushing to the phone to tip the authorities off, you first ought to know that, A, someone has already beaten you to it, and B, Tara is not the twisted contraption of a serial killer, but rather the twisted contraption of a Swedish robotics technician named John Bergeron. Bergeron first constructed Tara in the early 2000s with the humble intention of wedding his passions for cacophonies and freaky human facsimiles. “I Feel Fantastic” is only one of several 'music' videos starring the undisputed queen of the uncanny valley, whom Bergeron had hopes of propelling into national bastard-Terminator superstardom (and has in a way succeeded). His website for Tara, Android Music Videos, was hosted on Geocities up until Yahoo's discontinuation of the service in the United States in 2009, though the last time Android Music Videos had been updated before that point was in February of 2006. The original version of “I Feel Fantastic” is apparently 15 minutes long, and amply confirms why therapy should be a requirement for all mechanical engineering graduates.

As of the posting of this article, a mirror of Android Music Videos is active. Visit it if you dare: http://www.geocities.ws/androidmusicvideos/

Tara is also featured on the 90s-as-hell website Android World: http://www.androidworld.com/prod10.htm

Credit to Blumhouse for providing information on Bergeron: http://www.blumhouse.com/2016/04/12/i-feel-fantast...

And of course, the unholy video itself (credit to Creepyblog):

And if you really hate yourself, the 15-minute version (credit to Ejaculation Plan, which these videos are anything but):

Sweet dreams.

Cover Image Credit: YouTube

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Opeth: 'Deliverance' Album Review

'Deliverance' boasts Opeth's darkest and heaviest songwriting in their entire discography
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Line-up:

Mikael Åkerfeldt - vocals, guitars

Peter Lindgren - guitars

Martin Lopez - drums

Martín Méndez - bass

Additional info:

Steven Wilson - vocals, guitars, keyboards, mellotron

Recorded at Nacksving Studios and Studio Fredman.

Engineered by Opeth, Fredrik Nordström, Fredrik Reymerdahl & Steven Wilson.

Produced by Opeth and Steven Wilson.

Deliverance is the sixth studio album by Swedish Extreme progressive metal band Opeth. It was released on November 12, 2002, through Music for Nations Records. The album's total length is 61:50. The band originally intended for Deliverance and their following album Damnation to be released as a double album, but the record company decided against this and released them separately, about five months apart from each other in order to promote them each with the proper amount of time and care.

Opeth's last album Blackwater Park is a masterpiece and instead of trying to make a similar album, the band went in a new direction. Deliverance still features Opeth's classic progressive death metal sound, but the band implemented some noticeable changes beginning with a much darker sounding production, heavier guitars, and a more straightforward death metal approach at times. This was a welcome change that added another unique release to the band's already impressive discography.

Favorite Tracks:

Track 5: "Master's Apprentices"

This is one of Opeth's heaviest tracks that they have ever composed. The main guitar riff and blast beating that occurs throughout the first three minutes of this track is ridiculously heavy and catchy. Mikael's ridiculous low growled vocals sets the heavy mood of this track perfectly. When I thought that this song was just going to be pretty straightforward and heavy, Opeth switches it up and the track goes into a more mellow progressive rock sound with beautiful clean singing and instrumentation. The ending to the track is just as heavy and explosive as the beginning.

Track 2: "Deliverance"

The title track is one of the band's best. The riffs are ridiculously catchy and heavy. Yet again, Martin Lopez begins by blast beating on the drums. Mikael's mix of both clean vocals and ferocious growls show off Opeth's dualism that makes them such a special band. The song's sudden shift between soft and heavy moments keeps the listener on the edge throughout the song's entirety. The epic closing instrumental section of this track is one of the best closing sections of all time in progressive music. Every time that I listen to this song I cannot help but smile because of how well written it is.

Track 1: "Wreath"

This song is perfectly placed as the opening track of this album. It is one of Opeth's heaviest and most ferocious tracks that the band has ever done. I have never heard Mikael quite sound as dark and downright scary as he does on this track. It has mostly low growls and very little when it comes to clean vocals. If Opeth needed to appeal more to the straightforward death metal crowd this is the track to do it. Musically, its still progressive in nature though and the track lasts eleven minutes. "Wreath" sets the mood perfectly for what this album is going to sound like.

My Verdict:

This may not be as "perfect" as Blackwater Park, but it contains a different sound that is focused on being heavier and darker than the band has ever been before. This album features Mikael's best low growls, the band's heaviest riffs, and some of Martin Lopez's best drum work to date. I think that if I had to point out one extremely small weakness that the album has is the short instrumental "For Absent Friends" which is wasted space that disrupts the flow of the album slightly. Other than those two minutes, this album is yet another perfect Opeth release that is one of the band's most underappreciated in their entire discography.

Grade: A+

Cover Image Credit: vevo.com

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A Must Have Pool Side Convo

Diving Into the Greatest Artist of Our Generation — Frank Ocean
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Until the day of Blonde’s, it seemed as if Frank Ocean didn’t actually exist. As days became weeks and turned into long-awaited years, the anticipation for his album was over.

For the last part of 2016, everyone was drowned in the beauty of Frank Ocean’s 60 minutes released of Blonde. A product of a man who took his time to release an album jam-packed with nothing but his raw emotion and passionate yet musical talent for the art of music. A boundary-pushing music album where he left no room for error and combined his natural vocals with sophisticated lyrical contemplations.

The creation of Blonde is an album that still sounds brand new a full 365 days after its release, a rare accomplished which Frank Ocean was able to effortlessly achieved. Through his ideas, events, references to other music, and personal stories, the album captures and reveals parts of Frank Ocean’s life and his extraordinary process of songwriting.

There is a cinematic quality to that draws you in. The lyric storytelling and atmosphere it paints it nothing ever heard of before. Even without the usage of a visual aid, the album itself still is able to create its own vivid imagery. The images of childhood, lost summers, and cars.

While cars have been represented by men as status, wealthy, and especially masculinity, Frank Ocean instead uses them to articulate a sense of vulnerability and intimacy. His usage of cars is a framing device used to dive into moments of where you are driving alone. The album becomes private, self-reflecting, and personal.

As the world thinks of Frank Ocean as an enigmatic figure, almost hidden from the world because his lack of social media presence in our fame-obsessed culture, this is what defines his works from most other artists. His personal depth and restraint take you on a journey through his mind keeping you as close as to the passenger seat where you ride into his heartfelt album.

Cover Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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