It’s time to talk about a serious topic that effects a significant chunk of the global population: left-handed discrimination, also known as Lefties Are Better Than Righties But They Are Too Ignorant To Admit It, or LABTRBTATITAI for short. The prejudice that I and my fellow lefties face on a daily basis is disheartening, and even deadly. But, we must persevere. The truth will set us free from the right-handed rigidity that pervades this cruel world.
Here are the facts. Ten percent of the population is left-handed. More men than women are left-handed. Evidence is mixed on how being left-handed affects the brain and intelligence, but supposedly lefties are more creative, musical, and better at math by a slight proportion over righties. Honestly, I think this is just the result of lefties having to adapt to a right-handed world. Or I’m just naturally better than 90% of the population. Only time will tell.
Where do I start with the bias against us? Desks. Yes, I’m sure you’ve seen that one lone lefty desk shoved in the back of the classroom. Do I use it? Not usually. “And why ever not?” one might inquire to me. Because I’m more used to the righty ones. Sure, my backs hurts from twisting to the side for extended periods of time. Sure, I smudge the lead all over my hand, paper, chair, neighbor, and kitchen table (that stuff gets everywhere, but you righties wouldn’t know, now would you???). You know what I appreciate most? Regular square desks. The kind with four legs and a symmetric top.
Do you even know what the word left means? Because I do, and I’m not happy about it. Not. Happy. Left comes from the Old English word “lyft” meaning weak and foolish. The Latin for left is “sinister,” and we all know what that means. The French word for left is “gauche” which is also used to mean awkward and lacking in social grace. Our very language is set against us lefties!
Think about it. I swear, right-handed scissors will be the death of me. I physically cannot cut with right-handed scissors unless I use my right hand. Then, they work beautifully. So, I give in. I don’t think you’ll ever see a person so concentrated as a left-handed person using right-handed scissors with their right hand. Another common issue: eating at a table. Righties are so inconsiderate of their right elbow. They have a tendency to just throw their right arm around making wild gesticulations without a care for their poor lefty friend desperately trying to avoid the inevitable collision of the right elbow with the left fork.
I’ll leave it at this: next time you see a left-handed person, be a little nicer and more generous to them; they’re lucky to have survived this long. The world may think it can nudge us right out of the way, but we won’t be silent anymore. We will rise up, left under your noses where you’ll least expect us.
