A little over a year ago I ended my first relationship, and it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. In a strange twist of events that day, we met two summers ago during a country concert sponsored by a local radio station. My group of friends got separated and by the time I found them you were already flirting with me. After spending the rest of the concert sitting under the early summer sky listening to our favorite country artist, you gave me your number and told me to text you so you knew I got home safe. I didn't think you would remember, so I waited till the next morning, and the rest is history...
Everyone has a vision in their head on how their first relationship is supposed to go: everything is perfect and you think it'll be just like one of those classic Disney movies. You know the one. You see a stranger from afar in someplace like a farmers market, you guys both grab the same pear, your hands touch, you look into each other's eyes and you know they will be "The One."
Of course this never (almost never?) happens in real life. You meet somewhere in a bar, club, or through friends, you guys end up having a few drinks (maybe too many) and end up hooking up before you even know their last name. Somehow, that's supposed to lead to the exchange of numbers, a few days/weeks of talking, some dates along the way, but the relationship doesn't start until they officially ask you out.
When did everything get so complicated?
Today, there is this societal pressure where we want everything and we want it right now without the work and effort that's needed to go into the things that need it the most. Yes, relationships are hard, and they take a lot of effort on both sides, but when something like this ends and you no longer see that it's worth the fight is when things get foggy.
We question ourselves to see if we're even capable of being in a relationship and things we need to change and improve about ourselves. We question the other person if they have changed and why they stopped loving us in the first place. Previous generations have always pushed the line:
"We worked at it because it was worth fighting for."
Did we stop loving each other because the distance became too much? Our lives were becoming too different? We gradually knew what we wanted and it wasn't what the other person offered us? These are the thoughts I get when I'm driving to school or work in the morning, the kind of thoughts that keep you up in the middle of the night because no matter how long ago your first relationship ended, it will always impact you and create the path for the rest of them.
Now, a year and two months later, we have both moved on. I still think about the "what if" sometimes. For a while, it was so perfect -- intense, emotional, and happy -- and then one day it wasn't. I remember the exact day in late February, sitting on your bed, talking about what we needed to do to improve ourselves because we were getting too "bored." I knew it was the beginning of the end.
The last time we saw each other was in a coffee shop, where we sat at the window and I cried, seeing this thing we created implode and collapse almost instantly. We couldn't stop what would inevitably happen, but dragging the sword and making the wound bigger and more unbearable each day was the worst of it. I've realized we didn't want to end it because there was still a spark, but because we had grown too comfortable with the same old routine every weekend.
Life is about embracing change and not knowing what's around the corner, because at that point in our lives, it was exactly what we needed.
